Well Being

15 Surefire Ways To Immediately Destroy Your Libido

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15 Surefire Ways To Immediately Destroy Your Libido libido boost 640x406 jpgThe reputable Time Magazine’s blog posted a list entitled “15 Everyday Habits to Boost Your Libido: Easy lifestyle tweaks to crank up your sex drive” complete with libido enhancing tips like “schedule sex” and “make sure your meds aren’t to blame for your lack of a sex drive.” I’m sure these are all very helpful for people who just haven’t been feeling too sexy, but what are you supposed to do if you already have an outrageously raging sex drive? Where are the lists for those of us with libidinous appetites working overtime?

For the too horny among us, here are 15 ways to stifle your libido:

  1. Imagine your lover on the john- Having terrible diarrhea. No matter how sexy they are and how much they move you, they’ve definitely been in the vulnerable position where they’re sick and spewing bile out of their butt. It’s disgusting. They probably whimpered for their mother.
  2. Masturbate until you’re sore- So sore that you have to go get checked out by a doctor.
  3. Research STDs for, like, an hour- Look at pictures. It’ll take awhile until you recover and will want to rub parts with anyone again.
  4. Try to figure out your most embarrassing moment- You will not want anyone to see you naked when you remember that thing that happened to you in front of your entire middle school.
  5. Make a to-do list- Make sure it contains all your really crucial obligations. When I think about how I probably deserve to go to federal prison for procrastinating on my taxes or how I should definitely go to the dentist, my parts close for business.
  6. Eat an excessive amount of cheese-  You’ll be too distracted by your own fart suppression to even think about taking your clothes off.
  7. Talk to your parents- Maybe even ask them about the night you were conceived.
  8. Dehydrate yourself- Even if you do want it, your body won’t be able to lubricate itself.
  9. Play the Final Countdown to set the mood- The mood is “celibacy.”
  10. Inspect your boyfriend for blemishes- Look at those boils on his butt. Really scrutinize them.
  11. Wear clothes that take forever to take off- Not in a sexy way. Wear a few pairs of underwear, two pairs of tights under your pants, boots that lace up to the knee, a body suit…you get the picture. It’d be too much of a hassle to strip down.
  12. Deliberately eat something that makes you feel nauseated- Like old potato salad that’s been sitting out in the hot sun, or curry that you brought to the beach.
  13. Constantly have Schindler’s List(1993) playing as background noise- Eat, sleep and live to that macabre score. You’ll be way too bummed out to get aroused and no one will want to come near your apartment ever again.
  14. Reminisce about the worst sex you’ve ver had- And let the skin of your nether-regions crawl.
  15. Go to the aquarium on a date- Touch a sea cucumber with your bare hands. So squishy. Too squashy.

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