Well Being

Don’t Eat Walmart Ice Cream Sandwiches, Unless You Want Your Ice Cream To Last Forever…And I Do

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ice cream sandwich on patio table

Walmart brand ice cream sandwiches are getting some heat, for not melting in the heat. Cincinnati mom Christie Watson noticed that the Great Value ice cream sandwich her son left out on the patio hadn't fully melted, despite sitting outside for 12 hours in 80 degree weather. Well, guys, I think this finally proves once and for all that mega corporation Walmart…is the Hogwarts of grocery stores.

After discovering the intact ice cream, Watson's thought was, “What am I feeding to my children?” Magic, Ms. Watson. You're feeding them magic that is impervious to the sun's ice cream-destroying UV rays. Sure, she's also feeding them “corn syrup, 1% or less of mono-and diglycerides, vanilla extract, guar gum, calcium sulfate, carob bean gum, cellulose gum, carrageenan, artificial flavor, and annatto for color,” according to Walmart's website. But who doesn't love gum? And calcium sulfate sounds good for your bones. You guys are detecting my satirical tone right?

Walmart spokeswoman Danit Marquardt gave this explanation for the forever-cream: “Ice cream melts based on the ingredients, including cream. Ice cream with more cream will generally melt at a slower rate, which is the case with our Great Value ice cream sandwiches.” The original reporters of the story, WCPO Cincinnati, decided to put this Great Value debate to rest with a little science experiment. They left out a Walmart ice cream sandwich, a Klondike bar, and a pint of Haagen Dazs, and then they played the waiting game.

The results of the race? Haagen Dazs came in first, or last, depending on your feelings about ice cream melting. Their ice cream, which contains no gums, melted the fastest. The Klondike bar also eventually melted. The station reported, “The Walmart sandwich, though it melted a bit, remained the most solid in appearance, and still looked like a sandwich.”

Look you guys. As gross as you want to make Walmart sound, the fact is this: if you took me out to a patio table and asked what I'd rather see on it, an ice cream sandwich, or a puddle of goo, I'll choose the ice cream sandwich every time. That's just based on the fact that you can't eat a puddle of goo. You can, but you'd have to squeegee it off the table first, and that's obviously too much effort, so you'd have to lick it off the table and then your tongue would be full of splinters and then you couldn't enjoy the goo or the sandwich. We should be thanking Walmart for blessing us with this anytime, any-weather treat. It's not like they changed the date on it or anything really shady like that.

(Photo: AlenaNex/Shutterstock)

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