Well Being

True Story: The Time A Condom Got Lost Behind My Uterus

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Let me first start by saying that I know you are skeptical. I would be skeptical, too, if this were not an actual true story of a thing that happened to me which I later asked an OB/GYN about and had medically confirmed. So if you can kindly suspend disbelief, I will tell you a true story about the time a condom got lost in my own body. Behind my uterus, to be exact.

But first, let's rewind. Let's think about how the first thing you ever learned about your vagina was that nothing would get lost in there. When you were a nervous teen and your mom/trusted adult was on the other side of the bathroom stall in the pool locker room, reassuring you that no, the tampon could no go wandering up into your abdomen and get you pregnant (somehow? maybe?). Because that's what everyone always tells you: Nothing can get lost.

Except it can. In the course of responsible, consensual, adult, heterosexual, protected frisky time, the condom you and your partner are (wisely) using may manage to slip away and get jammed up behind your tilted uterus–which I later found out is not only a thing, but a thing which I have.

We noticed that the condom was lost because, after everything was over, it was nowhere to be found. Not in the sheets. Not on the floor. It didn't break. None of the pets seemed to have snuck in and gotten it. It was just missing.

And let me just say: A missing condom is a terrifying condom.

This isn't a “he didn't put it on” situation. He did. I saw it. Without a doubt, it existed, so my partner and I spent a good amount of time hunting the house to find it. But as he shook out the sheets and looked around the perimeter of the bed, I began to suspect that it may just be up there, somewhere, rubbernecking with my organs. But how far could it have gone?

The answer, I found out after assuming a number of embarrassing positions on my bathroom floor and trying my hardest to will the thing out of me, was “pretty damn far.” Eventually, a finger grazed something that felt unnatural and, with a bit of dexterity, I was able to wrap it around my finger, and out it came.

I took some Plan B. I moved on with my life. I was mortified. But, being of scientific mind, I was also intrigued. So, when I got the opportunity to ask an actual vagina-specializing doctor about it, I did.

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