Well Being

Thank God My Husband Is a Lazy Bastard

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Alleged philanderer Jesse James

With Jesse James joining the likes of Tiger Woods, John Edwards, Mark Sanford, Eliot Spitzer, and David Letterman as the latest in a very long line of celebrity males admitting bizarre, pathetic, and downright sleazy acts of infidelity, I can honestly say that I would not want to trade places with their wives for anything – not the money, fame, power, glamour, mansions, or Academy Awards (okay, maybe for an Oscar). Elin, Elizabeth, Jenny, Silda, Regina, and now Sandra, you have my deepest sympathies, but I will never know what it’s like to be in your very expensive designer shoes.

That’s because I know for a fact that my husband would never have an affair. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Poor, naïve woman. Never say never. No one goes into a marriage thinking her husband will cheat. It could never happen to me, we all believe. But I really do have something working in my favor. It’s my ace in the hole. It’s not that I’m such a looker or such a great catch (although I have my good qualities) or that my husband couldn’t find a willing party. (He’s way cuter than Jesse James, after all, and as Sandra Bullock recently discovered, there are plenty of women out there, tattooed or not, who want to have sex with married men.)

Nope, it’s a much simpler explanation. It’s that my dear, sweet husband is inherently lazy. Not a real go-getter. Ambition? Not one of his strong suits. He would no sooner show the initiative to get involved with another woman and begin an extramarital relationship than he would vote Republican. Really, just the thought of him trying to engage a new conquest and schedule clandestine trysts makes me laugh. He gets frazzled scheduling play dates. Any extra effort would exhaust and overwhelm him. This is a man who barely has the energy for our relationship.

The lethargy factor, however unromantic it may sound, makes me feel pretty secure about my husband and the odds of him stepping out. Another plus to the lack of get-up-and go? My husband would never divorce me. Oh, it has nothing to do with our marriage being a happy and healthy one (which it is, I'd say). The real reason? Too much paperwork.

So, my advice to these and other soon-to-be-betrayed celebrity wives is to take a page from my book: Settle. Settle for a nice, low-key, apathetic, non-limelight-seeking guy. (Note to Elin: Instead of wasting your time with the greatest professional golfer in the world, try a schmuck who works part-time in the golf course pro shop.) You’ll save yourself – and your personal staffers – an enormous amount of time, energy, money, and embarrassment — not to mention those trips to divorce court.

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