Well Being

How I Stack Up Against BuzzFeed’s Idea of “Adulthood”

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Buzzfeed wrote this list called, “25 Things Every Grown-Ass Adult Should Have.” I decided to see how closely I came to their definition of “adult.” (Note — it didn't go well.)

1. An Expanding File Folder

Okay, if I wanted to commute an hour everyday, carry a briefcase and own an expanding file folder, I’d just become my dad. Have you never heard of Google Drive? Or, like,

2. A Working Printer

42 percent of the reason I have a job is so that I have access to an actual, working printer. But I would sooner share a room with my neighbor’s pesky child than waste precious space with those dinosauric machines.

3. Things Hung Upon the Walls

Framing a picture of you and your backstabbing sorority sister has no say in whether or not you’re an adult.

4. A Simple Tool Kit & a Drill

A drill?! I’d have to buy extra insurance for possessing a dangerous weapon.

5. A Workable To-Do List & Calendar

Wake up. Drink coffee. Type things. Go to bed. Okay, next?

6. A Broom

Swiffers are like, way better.

7. A Fireproof Box

This isn’t The Fast and the Furious. I don’t think that’s necessary.

 8. Extra Unopened Toothbrushes

Wouldn’t he get the wrong idea?

9. A Glue Gun

This is surely a fire hazard. And remember, I don’t have the fireproof box.

10. Reusable Latex Gloves

How many times can we reuse them? A whole year, right? That’s how long mine have lasted.

11. A Sponge Holder

My sponge doesn’t need to be babied.

12. A “Just Got Home” Routine

Unless it’s, “Immediately shed your pants and eat something,” I don’t want to hear it.

13. A Plunger

I GUESS this is important. I mean, I have one. I only bought it after my toilet had an emergency though.

14. The Names and Numbers of Professional Problem-Solvers

My dad. Next!

15. Flashlights and/or Candles + Matches*

Again, fire hazard…

16. The Name of Your City Councilperson

Leslie Knope.

17. A Stash of Cards + Stamps

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF EMAIL?!

18. Cloth Napkins

If I want cloth napkins I will go to my grandma’s house.

19. The Name of Your Police Precinct and the Non-Emergency Number

Brooklyn 9-9-….1?

20. A Plant — That You Actually Know How to Take Care of

LOL. No.

21. The Name & Number of the Nearest 24-Hour Emergency Vet

Easy — animal control.

22. A Library Card

Okay, maybe. But I’ll never return my books on time.

23. The Name of at Least One of Your Neighbors

You mean, ‘Ugly Naked Guy?’

24. A Spot to Meet in the Event of a Fire

Somewhere away from the fire.

25. Velvet No-Slip Hangers That Match

You think I own clothes that need to be hung? Lolz.

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