I've been debating whether to write about this publicly, or if I should just let Rachel Sarah do the single mother seeking blogs and let my love life–or lack thereof–go off record.
I got dumped right before my birthday. And I had to let go of a friend who was needy and manipulative and no good for me. Two sides of the same coin, really.
There's a lot I'm kicking myself about, right now…
In all the months I've been seeing this man, I've been making excuses for him. He's down. He's going through a really rough patch. He had a bad divorce. He's an extreme introvert. I've been kinder to him, and less considerate of my own needs and feelings, than I normally would have been had he not been dealing with Issues.
But in looking over my journals, I could kick myself in the head. It's all there. Every doubt I had about him. Every concrete flash of insight into the fact that he just wasn't the One. My friends have been terribly kind and patient with me, and allowed me to work this all out on my own time, only occasionally giving me a sharp nudge to remind me that I can do better, I deserve better. The best thing about dating him was that I was no longer alone all the time. I had someone to watch movies with, cook dinner with, go dancing with. The worst thing? I was lonely.
You know, he never once gave me flowers. I've received four lovely bouquets in as many days from friends who truly care about me, value me, and want to see me happy.
Keep a journal, single moms. Write with brutal honesty, and then find a good hiding place so it won't fall into the wrong hands. Read it often, not only at the end of something. Listen to that inner voice that might be trying very hard to tell you something important. If you do insist on ignoring your own good sense, at least don't beat yourself up too badly when it pipes up with a loud, annoyed, “I TOLD YOU SO.”
Listen to yourself. SoloMother says so. I'll write up some bullet points on self esteem tomorrow. I think I could use a refresher course.