Well Being

Sister Wives? I’m Going to Citizen’s Arrest Your A**es

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Most of the 374 Brown children on "Sister Wives"

Here's what I've learned about a big religious family that practices polygamy and gets their own reality TV show: They're no different from any other sad, desperate, fame-starved, money-hungry family (Gosselin, Kardashian, Bonaduce, Osbourne, Hamlin/Rinna) that sells out what limited morals and principles they have in order to parade their banal lives on TV. Okay, there is one difference. The religious polygamists (in this case, the Browns of TLC's Sister Wives) imply that their reasons for signing a reality TV contract involve family, love, togetherness, children, unity, yak yak yak, and how critical it is for them to show the world the beautiful truth about how they live in harmony in their “closed” polygamous society. Oh, and the cash from TLC doesn't hurt, either.

Adult members of Sister Wives? Here's why I'm coming to your giant house(s) to make a citizen's arrest: Not because you're polygamists. (You're already under investigation for that.) My beef with you is that you have way too many damn kids. Oh, I know this isn't China and it's a free country and you're allowed to have as many kids as you please and all of that. I also know (Kody, Meri, Janelle, and Christine), that you're not your fellow TLC family the Duggars — you don't have 19 or 20 kids running around. You merely have 13. (Although, with wife #4, Robyn, in the mix, that ups the Brown kid total to 16. So I take that back. You are as bad as the Duggars.) I know I should be tolerant and compassionate and understanding, and thrilled that God has blessed you with 16 sunny miracles, but sorry, I'm not. And I don't blame the kids. The kids are fine. It's you, the parents. You're the problem. You're out of your minds. Actually, it's worse than that. From what I've seen of your behavior on the show, you act like idiotic teenagers who've never quite grown up. Those are some lucky kids you've got.

Look: If you can afford 16 kids on two salaries, good for you. I don't have a problem with that. I don't even really care that much about the environmental impact of overpopulating our already overpopulated world. (Do I think 16 humans put more of a strain on the environment than one human does? Sure, but oil and natural gas dependency, plus greenhouse gases from industrial buildings are all worse, so I'll let that one slide.)

I do, however, have a problem with the fact that there is no way on earth you parents will ever be able to give enough equal attention to each of those 16 children throughout their lives. I don't care if there's one husband and three going-on-four wives. It's just not possible. As the youngest of eight children (with religious, but monogamous parents), I can personally vouch for this theory. Eight is half of 16, and yet in my own family I witnessed how difficult it was for my parents to divide their attentions among eight children in a way that even approached equality, despite their best intentions and dedicated efforts. And I still see lasting, not-so-positive effects of this reality today.

Oh, here's the other thing about the cast of Sister Wives: Kody, the husband, is weak. And Meri, Janelle, Christine, and Robyn are just stupid. More is not better, people. A family can exist without its numbers skyrocketing well into the double digits. What you've created is not a family; it's chaos. And that's why I'm coming for you, citizen's badge in hand. (Meri, we'll make sure you get a nice, private corner cell all to yourself. You only had one biological kid, so we're giving you major bonus points for that. Even though you're devastated that you can't have more babies. Despite the fact that there are 15 other children in your house.)

Don't worry, folks…the kids will be fine without you. You already make the older ones take care of the little ones every day, anyway. I just hope, for your sake's, that the prison allows conjugal visits among inmates, and has at least one dedicated staff person who will be able to keep your busy bedroom schedules.

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