Well Being

Complicated Sex Positions, As Explained By The Teenagers On Urban Dictionary

By  | 

sexy

Of all the strange little corners of the internet, Urban Dictionary is one of my favorites. If you're unfamiliar with it, it's like a Wikipedia of improbable sex acts, slang for drugs that no one over the age of 12 will recognize, and video game culture terms that make even less sense once you've read their definitions. Basically, it's a place where teenage boys from all over the world can come together to pretend they're more sexually experienced than you are, and they have a hard time pulling that off.

One of my favorite pastimes is going on UD and trying to find weird sex positions that have either been invented by– or poorly explained by– eighth graders. And because it would be mean of me to not share, here are a few of my favorites!

1. Eiffel Tower.

eiffel tower

A threesome with two guys and a girl, where one guy is hitting it from behind, and the other guy is getting a blow job. The guys are high-riving over the girl to make the eiffel tower shape.

Make sure you get the high-five in their. It only counts if you're really high-fiving.

2. The Screw.

screws

Receiving partner lies on edge of bed or couch with legs bent to one side, pulled slightly toward chest; penetrating partner stands and penetrates from rear.

Couldn't “the screw” just be the name for any sex position ever?

3. Playing the cello.

cello

Receiving partner on back, ankles on one of the penetrating partner's shoulders; penetrating partner kneeling enters from back; also known as playing the violin.

People can't even make up their minds about what string instrument to name this after? That just seems lazy to me.

4. Black Bee.

black bee

Penetrating partner sits, hands behind on the floor; receiving partner sits on top and leans forward, hands on penetrating partner's shoulders.

What about this is bee-like? I'm more concerned with the names of all these than I am with the actual actions.

5. Crabwalk.

crabwalk

The penetrating partner lies with their upper back on a low table, couch, chair or edge of bed, keeping their feet parallel to the floor; the receiving partner straddles other partner, also keeping feet on floor. Receiving partner can assume any of four positions: cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, Italian chandelier, or horizontal reverse.

I'm not going to act like I can follow all these instructions, but whether I understand it or not, I know it's uncomfortable. I can tell you that much.

6. Viennese Oyster.

oysters

Receiving partner crosses feet behind head (or at least puts their feet next to their ears), lying on their back. Penetrating partner then holds receiving partner tightly round each instep or ankle with full hand then lies on receiving partner full-length. A variation is to have the receiving partner cross their ankles on their stomach, knees to shoulders, and then penetrating partner lies on receiving partner's crossed ankles with their full weight.

If the instructions for your sexual position are more complicated than a recipe for cooking real oysters, I'm checking out.

7. Italian Chandelier.

chandelier

The woman pushes her back and butt completely off the ground using her arm and legs, kind of like crab-walking or like when you do the bridge in gymnastics. The guy does the same thing, but facing down when they make love. I heard the Italians love it because it burns a lot of calories.

Pretty sure I couldn't maintain a gymnastics bridge for longer than a few seconds, let alone find someone else who can do it at the same time.

Photos via Shutterstock

comments