Well Being

Do You Talk To Your Partner About Sex Fantasies?

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We all know one of the keys to a happy, healthy relationship is good sex. And in the quest for good sex, it’s okay to be bad. Sometimes very very bad, according to Tracy Clark-Flory. Writing on Salon last week, Clark-Flory makes “the case for shameful fantasies” — and for sharing these fantasies with your partner:

When I've inquired about my partners' fantasies, it's often scared the crap out of them. Want to make a man stutter in bed? Ask him to describe the peaks and valleys of his personal erotic landscape. Men aren't used to talking about these things – except for when it's in the course of an emotional interrogation (i.e. “So you like fake boobs, then, huh?”).

Yes, asking a guy about his sex fantasies can be like opening the proverbial Pandora’s box. Surprisingly, it’s only been once or twice that I’ve been shocked be the subject’s deviance (though, suffice to say, there may have been some interviewer bias effects at work); more often than not I’ve been dismayed by how boring some dudes’ answers can be. (Sex outside? Wow; some imagination you’ve got there!)

But what if you do end up shocked–or vice versa—by a partner’s fantasies? Clark-Flory says:

The truth is … there are a lot of unsavory, politically incorrect aspects to our sexual imaginations. These shadowy caves of the sexual psyche tend to reveal fundamental inner conflicts and can be at odds with our public personae. But it's most important to recognize that these scenarios are frequently things we don't want to experience in reality. Plenty of things are titillating as ideas but repulsive, or at least disappointing, in reality. Fantasies are like dreams — they aren't right or wrong; they just are.

Of course, some erotic imaginings could tip one off to a buried psychological trauma or disturbance. It's true that researchers have found that fantasies about sexual offenses are common among sex offenders. But within the population at large, “forbidden” sexual imagery and submission-dominance are among the most common fantasies. A 1974 study found that “doing things sexually that you would never do in reality, and being forced or forcing someone to have sex” were among the most popular imagined scenarios among both men and women.

What do you think: Is it better to know, or not know? Have you shared secret sexual fantasies with your significant other? Asked about theirs? Been shocked by what you found out? Comment it up! I know you're just dying to tell us about that one guy who ___…

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