Well Being

“Panty Fresheners” – Are You Kidding Me?

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panty fresheners

 

I was browsing the “feminine supplies” aisle at Kmart recently because, really what else is there to do on a Friday night in Manhattan?, and I noticed this little atrocity: Poise Panty Fresheners!

Poise panty fresheners

In case it's not entirely clear, Poise panty fresheners are scented stickers about the size of a half-dollar (reminiscent of those ultra-lame round plastic air fresheners that you could stick up inside your school locker). They are meant to be applied to the outside of one's underwear for a staggering and unprecedented FOUR HOURS of freshness!

24 of these things will cost you about $5, but they had an in-store coupon taking them down to ~$2, so I bought a pack out of morbid curiosity. Upon cracking open the tiny purple jar, I noticed that the fresheners smell like cheap laundry detergent, or industrial hand soap maybe? Also, the non-adhesive side is white. As such, the fresheners will seriously disrupt the aesthetic of that lacy black thong of yours. I haven't bothered taking one for a spin yet, and can't say I ever intended to, actually.

In fact, I'm hoping that these won't last long on the shelves, because otherwise that means someone is buying them, even repeatedly! How did we get to this point, where focus group women apparently think that the odor of their lady parts is so noxious and penetrating that it must be combatted with panty stickers, replaced every 4 hours for maximum freshness?

In general, I'm ok with consumer culture, but the commercialization of feminine hygiene is extremely irritating (pun intended). The only good news about Poise panty fresheners is that, being for external usage, they probably don't have ill health effects, like scented feminine washes, sprays, douches, pad, panty liners, and tampons do. That stuff can definitely cause or exacerbate conditions like bacterial vaginosis and yeast infections. But why even chance it at all? Run, don't walk, away from the scented feminine supplies.

Presumably alot of this obsession with feminine hygiene is motivated by a desire to smell and taste “right” for potential romantic interests. But I am LOLing pretty hard at the thought of some unsuspecting men (or women!) finding themselves with their fingers or mouths or noses on an unexpected, obtrusive, and stinky panty adhesive thingy. I suppose you could always sneak into the bathroom to pull it off before things heat up. But seriously now…

As always, if you're having symptoms like itching, burning, or a different-than-usual smell or discharge, go see a doctor. Otherwise, may I kindly suggest appreciating your body for what it is? Life's too short for pointless scented panty stickers, and anyone who doesn't agree shouldn't be allowed in there anyways.

Image: Shutterstock