Well Being

Healthy New Years Resolutions In Order Of How Likely You Are To Keep Them

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Healthy New Years Resolutions In Order of How Likely You Are To Keep Them new years resolutuions 2014 640x426 jpg

The year of our lord two thousand and thirteen is about to end and when we ring in two thousand and fourteen, the people of the Gregorian calendar will resolve to change themselves to mutate into better beings. They are engaging in a ritual we call “New Year’s Resolutions.” Some will succeed, but most will fail, er, well maybe not fail but totally forget they resolved to do anything and go back to their old ways.

If you’ve ever made a New Year’s resolution and kept it, a tip of my pointy New Years party hat to you–you’re an anomoly. People achieve their goals all the time, make major changes and improve themselves, but it’s rarely because those objectives were planned in conjunction with a weird holiday notion.

Think and think hard about your New Year’s resolution regarding health and let me tell you how probably it is that you’re going to stick to it.

This list goes from most reasonable to least reasonable healthy new years resolutions:

  1. Take vitamins-hey, if you buy some really cool ones that promise eternal youth, beauty and vitality and leave them somewhere you can’t forget about them, it will be easy to cram some in your mouth daily.
  2. Move more in general– This one isn’ that difficult if you’re sedentary as fuck. You know the usual tricks: take the stairs, get off public transport one stop earlier, stop looking for the closest parking spot with religious conviction. You can totally do this one. Walking is fun, taking a 15 minute walk after you eat a meal.
  3. Drink 8 glasses of water a day– Set alarms on your goddamn iPhone and just drink some water. This shouldn’t be hard, but apparently some people hate water despite all the cool stuff it does for us (chiefly, keeping us alive). If it’s difficult for you to indulge on cool sips of our pleasurable life force, here’s a schedule: Drink a glass when you wake up, one before you leave for work, one when you get to work, one at lunch, one before you leave work, one when you get home, one before dinner, one before you begin your nightly routine. Do that and you’ll be so fucking hydrated.
  4. Stop eating lunch at your desk– If you set your mind to it, I bed you could swing it more often than ever before. It’s better for you mentally and will make #2 even easier to keep.
  5. Quit a bad habit– Maybe you smoke, maybe you drink, or bite your nails still. There’s something you want to cut out of your life. It won’t be easy. It really won’t. You’ll probably fail if you don’t really set your mind to it. Think about how much you want it. Do something every day to remind yourself that smoking is disgusting, alcohol is making you act like an anus and your nail biting hurts only you. Find resources for help and you’re more likely to give a shit come the second week of January.
  6. Get more sleep-You know what you have to do, but do you really think you’re going to go to sleep at a reasonable time without your smart phone, tablet, laptop blaring their glowing screens into your retinas? Maybe change this resolution to: “get an Ambien prescription” or “put kids up for adoption.”
  7. Lose weight/Go Vegan/Organic ONLY/No gluten- People have succeeded before, but will you? Probably not. The world is your own personal temptation island. Maybe make this more realistic: instead of “turn my body into a hotter, more efficient body through food restrictions” make it “take care of myself a little better, stop eating molten cheese every day.”
  8. Exercise 5 times a week, NO exceptions- This change in lifestyle can be brutal. If you do succeed, it will be amazing for you, but if you don’t you’ll probably feel disappointed in yourself. It’s easier to keep this one if you think about how embarrassing it will be for you to join a gym and never go. Perhaps make your goal smaller: stretch before bed, move ass for 30 minutes a day a few times a week, perhaps try some at home exercises and other free workouts to keep your failure to commit from being a financial burden.
  9. Run a marathon– People have done it, but it’s a serious commitment like marriage or a puppy. I mean, if you can’t commit to yoga twice a week, do you really think by next year, you’ll be fit enough to run a billion miles (actual marathon length). Maybe you should start small so that you don’t abandon this goal faster than you can say “bloody nipples.” Try a 5K and work your way up. You should also check out tons of technological resources and apps that make becoming a marathon runner ever so slightly easier.
  10. Become Gwyneth– It’s not happening unless you get some GOOP money for the best appliances, trainers, ingredients, supplies and other Paltrow accoutrements. Even Gwynnie admits that she smokes a cigarette a week, so not even she can commit to being Gwyneth Paltrow all the time. You’ll never do it.

I like to make my resolutions very low stakes so that I don’t disappoint myself. This year I’m going with: give off chill vibes as frequently as possible and stretch before bed.

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