Well Being

Introducing The Wonderlift—A Pretty, Pretty Torture Device For Your Tits

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Wonderlift breast enhancement machine

Ladies, have you ever been perusing the back pages of magazines, starting at all those lovely penis-pump ads and wondering why we women can't get in on the fun? Don't. Fret. Introducing … the “Wonderlift!” It's an allegedly breast-boosting machine that looks like an 80s computer with tentacles and rivals even the most ridiculous penis-enlargement gear.

Of course I was clued in to the Wonderlift's existence by that venerable old wellspring of British journalism, The Daily Mail (seriously, what would we bloggers do without you????). According to the Mail, the newly-launched Wonderlift machine provides a “non-invasive breast enlargement treatment” for a tenth of the cost of getting a boob job.

Wonderlift's makers claim it can boost users' busts up to two cup sizes, using a vibrating suction pump. The low-frequency vibrations stimulate breast growth, improve blood and lymph circulation and prevent abnormal cell development in the mammary glands, they say.

So … you're telling me all these breast enlargement surgeries—even all this breast cancer development—over the past few decades could have been prevented if only more women had held the equivalent of a vibrating vacuum cleaner hose to their chests a few times a week?

I don't buy it.

Women who do, however, can expect to shell out £50 (about $78) per session; 18 sessions are recommended. With that, you can expect such dramatic results as, uh, this:

before and after Wonderlift breast pump treatments

See the difference? No? Me neither.

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