Well Being

Men as Accessories: Is Your Partner Purely Eye Candy?

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Madonna and possible male accessory Jesus Luz (photo: WENN.com)

It’s all too true that many a woman has spent her youth dreaming of the perfect match, and no doubt has a long list of who and what he should be. In fact, it could be called something akin to a shopping list, say, for the perfect handbag or pair of shoes. Translation: We approach lasting partnership as the pursuit for the perfect accessory. Madonna is a perfect example.

But as I recently heard an experienced and wise woman say: “If you think marriage is perfect, you must still be at your reception.” (I’m sure there’s a boyfriend equivalent – first date?) After the bloom is off the rose, we are all too often left with the stunning reality that one man is not really all that different from another, no matter the veneer or material.

In fact, can’t we assume that the true goal of partnership is to find someone who will drive you insane for all eternity? In that case, it comes down to a matter of whose partner is more irritating, or less irritating.

For instance, I've been with my husband for ten years, married for seven. During that time, I've assiduously and admirably tried to curb my slovenly bachelorette tendencies, and I think I’ve done a damn good job. Per his request, I never leave the sponge in the sink anymore. I certainly don’t pile my entire closet on the bed in search of the perfect outfit, or leave all my drawers open in the frenzied search for that favorite undergarment. Nope, not me.

But has any of my impeccable fashion sense rubbed off on him in that decade? Not one iota. Has he ever learned to put the toilet seat down or blow his nose someplace other than right next to me? Certainly not. There are no words for this except: just. plain. dumb.

I have a good friend who's still officially in the bloom phase with her boyfriend. But she’s a discerning creature, and it didn’t take six months to figure out that he will never, ever – no matter how many times she asks – learn to keep the toast crumbs out of the butter, or throw his socks in the hamper instead of on the floor. Does this mean that he loves her any less? No, he’s just dumb, poor creature, like all men.

All I know is that I don't feel the same way about my favorite high heels. Now that’s an adoration that will last for all eternity, even after I can’t wear them anymore. Those shoes may be uncomfortable, but they are very, very smart.

So let’s pull out the real list, girlfriends, and do some serious comparison shopping. See who can outdo whom in the Mine-Is-Dumber-Than-Yours Face-off. Sound off in our comments section, below.