Well Being

Me-OWW! Relationship Advice From Victor the Cat

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Hello. My name is Victor the cat. I live in an apartment in New York City with two tall people who feed me. When Blisstree approached me about doing my own weekly relationship column, I must admit I was hesitant at first. See, I sleep 16 hours a day (minimum), and in my spare time I need to eat, preen myself, use the facilities, and bat a few toys under the refrigerator in a lackluster fashion. On less hectic days, I also try to squeeze in some time sitting in the windowsill looking at stuff outside. So, as you can imagine, it's a real challenge for me to fit other work-related responsibilities into my demanding day-to-day schedule.

I know what you're thinking: What the hell does this cat know about being a relationship columnist? True, I don't have the rabid following of Garfield, the mass-market appeal of Hello Kitty, or the celebrity endorsement deals of Morris. Me? I just like people. And for roughly 9 x 7 = 63 years, I've been observing and interacting with them on a regular basis. (Dogs, however, are a different story. Do not get me started on dogs.) You could also be forgiven for thinking it strange that a health and wellness site would want to hire an obese cat to be its relationship columnist. But I'll have you know that I've been on a doctor-approved weight-loss plan for several months, and have lost 1.1 pounds — going from 16 to 14.9. Suck it, Garfield.

Now, it's important to note that I am not a doctor, psychologist, or a trained therapist. However, I have been told (repeatedly so) that I'm handsome and affectionate, and also that I'm a “good boy” with a distinct personality and a sweet disposition. I'm not a blogger, per se, but I am proficient on a Mac, because the tall people I told you before about have several of them in the house. (Laptop corners are excellent for rubbing your chin against.)

It all comes down to this: I feel like there are many less-qualified candidates out there who dole out advice for a living. And the goal of my new relationship column is to help you help yourself.

But enough cat and mouse. Why don't we start with our first relationship question from a Blisstree reader?

Dear Victor the cat:

My husband and I are happily married, but he often likes to sleep on the couch in our guestroom because he says it's much more comfortable than our full-size mattress. (He complains that it sags in the middle.) The mattress is fairly new, and it doesn't make financial sense to buy a new one right now. Plus, I have no problem sleeping on it. I want my husband to get a good night's sleep, but I miss spooning with him every night. What should I do?

Signed,

Marriage vs. Mattress

Chicago, IL


Dear Marriage vs. Mattress:

Your husband sounds like a tool. But if I were you, I would use this situation to my advantage. In order to answer your question, I need to ask you two questions: Without your husband sleeping in the bed, does it feel bigger or smaller? Exactly. So take advantage of this indulgent situation, especially because you enjoy sleeping on the mattress. Also, do you have any pets who like to sleep in the bed with you? If so, your current situation, while troubling to you, is likely ideal for them. Most pets prefer to stretch out and lounge on the bed of their owners, rather than be relegated to the corners or foot of the bed. Frankly, the fewer people we need to contend with at bedtime, the better. I would think you'd feel the same way. So what should you do? Absolutely nothing. As far as I'm concerned, you have a perfect situation in a perfect marriage. But what do I know? After all, I shit in a box.

Sincerely,

Victor the cat

Do you have a relationship question for Victor? Ask it below and he'll respond in his next post or after his nap, whichever comes first.

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