Well Being

25 Things That Feel Better Than A Juice Cleanse, From Splinters To Root Canals

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green juice

Since moving to Los Angeles, I've learned a few things: people consider turn signals to be entirely optional, it's possible for it to be 70 degrees and sunny and for you to still need a sweater, and everyone you know will eventually start a juice cleanse. One of my girlfriends is a few days into “juicing” and she's acting exactly like you'd expect. One minute she's talking about how her skin is glowing and how she already feels lighter on her feet and how the meaning of life is becoming more and more clear. A minute later and she's texting me her plans to jump off a bridge.

I've never tried a juice cleanse (though I'm not saying I never will, because even my strong will can be easily be compromised by reading magazine articles about how celebrities stay in shape), but I know that it sucks. I've watched powerful women look twitchy and exhausted while sucking on green lemonade. I've read countless blogs about people feeling heachachey and like they're going through heroin withdrawal, all in the pursuit of “brighter eyes” or whatever. In fact, I've taken to pestering my friend all day with text messages to remind her that she's doing this to herself on purpose. Everyone needs a friend to grant them permission to quit their diet, you know? If you're currently looking for someone to be that friend, I have your back. Here are 25 things that feel better than a juice cleanse!

  1. Making an emergency gynecologist appointment.
  2. Cleaning up cat vomit.
  3. Dropping your phone on the sidewalk and seeing the shattered screen for the first time.
  4. Having enough time to shower but not enough time to dry your hair.
  5. Pretending you understand the tax forms you're filling out.
  6. Realizing what a large percentage of your paycheck ends up going to taxes.
  7. Wondering what that weird smell in the fridge is coming from.
  8. Not being able to go to the library anymore because they probably have a warrant out for your arrest for keeping that paperback for two years.
  9. Remembering how many famous actors are, like, abusive nightmares.
  10. Stepping in some rando's gum.
  11. Getting in your car to leave and noticing you're out of gas.
  12. Getting the back of your bra all twisted.
  13. Some neighbor's dog that won't stop barking.
  14. Having to wear heels all day at some dumb event.
  15. Getting a splinter.
  16. Getting a splinter on your dominant hand and having to try to dig it out with tweezers.
  17. Running out of toilet paper in a public bathroom.
  18. Root canals.
  19. Finding more and more dark hairs on your face.
  20. Flossing.
  21. Getting pooped on by a passing bird.
  22. Sitting in maple syrup.
  23. Smelling human urine on a street corner and not being able to pinpoint why.
  24. Feeling really inconvenienced for whatever reason.
  25. Most things. Just… most things.

The next time you feel compelled to try a juice cleanse, come back and read this list. I promise to do the same.

Featured photo via Shutterstock

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