After Paying Thousands to Get Hitched, You’re Still Not Getting Laid on Your Wedding Night
Bad news, brides-to-be: you're probably not gonna have sex on your wedding night, so you can skip the fancy lingerie cut from shards of THE DRESS. And when Dirty Uncle Larry wiggles his eyebrows and makes suggestive comments about consummating your wedding, you can feel free to ignore him (and be grossed out).
As it turns out, newlyweds are more like to do anything but get it on after the vows are exchanged and the cake is cut. And the kicker? Modern couples don't really care.
Wedding stationary company Paper Shaker claims that a quarter of newly minted couples aren't doing IT. A few years ago, Bride to Be magazine found that while 90 percent of beloveds expected to do the deed on their wedding night, only a quarter of them actually did. Woof.
So, what's going on (or not) in the marital bedroom? Let us count the multiple reasons why couple aren't sealing the deal on arguably the biggest night of their lives:
1. Whiskey dick (good job, 24% of grooms!)
2.Tired brides (16%)
3. Drunk brides (13%)
4. Had to babysit (11% — maybe look into doing this after you're married)
5. Fighting before the reception ended (9% — a great indicator of things to come!)
6. Needed to leave for the honeymoon (9% — we'll allow it, though we at least hope you're squeezing in some hanky panky on the plane)
7. Partied all night (7%)
8. Tired groom (4%)
9. Neither party “felt like it” (4% — you have our sympathies)
While this is all kind of upsetting, I sort of understand it. You've just spent months at each other's throats, arguing over floral arrangements and what typeface ampersand you want on your invitations. You've ponied up thousands of dollars for one night of whirlwind revelry. If I were you, I would be too drunk to function, also.
The good news? You've got a whole lifetime together to get it right. Enjoy, kids.
Photograph: Ivan Galashchuk / Shutterstock