Well Being

10 Improbable Sex Positions From Cosmopolitan That Were Inspired By Animals

By  | 


Anyone who's ever picked up a copy of Cosmopolitan Magazine can tell you that their ideas about human sexuality are less than realistic. We've all heard the weird sex tips (sprinkle pepper under his nose? Pour chocolate sauce on his elbows?) and looked at complicated graphics depicting sex positions, but some of them are even more nutso than others. For instance, Cosmo has a habit of naming their positions after… animals. Because what's sexier than a zoo?

If you're looking to turn up the heat in your personal life, here are 10 animal-inspired positions that seem more clever than realistic.

1. The Sea Horse.

sea horse

Who doesn't want to think about the sea horse from The Little Mermaid when they're doing the deed? This one gets its name from the fact that you're supposed to do it on the beach. Because in the Cosmopolitan universe, you need a complicated position to spice things up so you don't get bored of going at it in public. On sand.

2. V for Vixen.


“Vixen” is pretty much synonymous with “sexy lady” nowadays, but let's not forget that this extremely complicated sex position is modeled after a fox. It involves sitting on a counter, propping your legs on his shoulder, and getting inevitable bruises on your butt. Foxy!

3. The Amazing Butterfly.


This one gets a 5/5 rating on Cosmo's “Carnal Challenge” scale, so not only do you have to be cool with thinking about butterflies during your sex session, but you have to be an acrobat. The first sentence of the description is a work of art in and of itself: “The key to taking flight is lining up correctly with your lover.” Okay.

4. The Cosmo Cat.


If you read the description of this position, you'll notice that it's basically just missionary sex with an unnecessarily cute name. As adorable as this photo is, I don't think you want to be picturing it in the heat of the moment.

5. The Spiderweb.


I'm not sure how this one got its name (not that I really understand any of the ones on this list), but I know for certain that I have no interest in conjuring mental images of spiders when things are getting steamy.

6. Standing Tiger / Crouching Dragon.


This one includes phrases like “narrow your vaginal canal” and “pose on all fours with your knees at the edge of the bed” and I'm already checking out. Oh, and there's nothing hotter than 1770s China!

7. Bucking Bronco.


If you're not already deterred by the fact that this one gets rated 4/5 for being challenging, just remember that you're going to be thinking about wild horses every time you see your partner for the rest of your life.

8. Passion Python.


When I think sex, I think snakes. Terrifying snakes. Terrifying, man-eating snakes. And to make matters even scarier, take a look at this sentence: “You two are sexually skin-chronized, which promises to stroke your raging romance.” What?

9. Octopus.


This one is considered one of the most challenging positions in all of Cosmo history, so you need to be a) an Olympic gymnast or b) a literal octopus to pull it off. At least I understand why this one got its name, because it involves using your limbs in creative and improbable ways.

10. The Dragon.


Read the description for this position, never forget that it says the words “the circular stimulation will slowly electrify your entire vagina,” and make sure to always associate sex with Harry Potter and Game of Thrones.

Photos via Shutterstock