Well Being

In Case You’re Single, Lonely Or Insanely Religious This Valentine’s Day, Here’s A Bear You Can Snuggle With

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Stock Photo Stuffed Bear

The past couple of years, I haven’t exactly, well, had anyone “special” to share Valentine’s Day with. This year will be no different…only this year, I now know that in lieu of an actual, real life human, I can get a Boyfriend Bear to snuggle with.

No, I’m not making this up. A Boyfriend Bear is a Jesus-approved stuffed animal marketed to teenage Christian girls looking to preserve their purity for their future husbands. Apparently, the whole ‘wait ‘til marriage’ thing is easier when you have a stuffed bear to hold. Apparently.

The bears promote purity as a lifestyle, and serve as a reminder for girls to remain “pure,”  make good choices and commit their lives to the Father himself:

“Boyfriend bears provides the opportunity for girls to make a stand for what they believe in and to stay strong in their morals.”

Call me a sad, lonely girl all you want, but there’s no way in hell a stuffed bear can keep me feeling loved, or, satisfied sexually at night/ever. While the Boyfriend Bear is “cuddly and huggable,” the fact that it doesn't breathe, tell you you're pretty, or give you a butt massage is a clear indicator that it is just a glorified stuffed animal and in fact, not a boyfriend. The “visual reminder” of a woman's commitment to purity also as a secret pocket where you can tuck away a Purity Pledge, lists and a letter. (Or, if you're an actual human, you can write all of your impure thoughts down and get them out of your system, because I am not an idiot and I know you have them.)

I'm not saying that remaining a virgin until you get married is wrong, or a bad thing, at all. If that's what you want to do, then ALL the power to you. (Literally, all the willpower in the world because that must be super hard.) But what I am saying is that there's no way in hell a stuffed bear is going to make that decision to ‘stay pure' or not have sex any easier. Nor will it warm my cold, black heart this Valentine's Day.

The worst part about this whole story, besides that the entire thing is completely bonkers, is that an 11-year-old came up with the idea. I think all ideas involving stuffed animals from 11-year-olds should be vetoed from now on, because I'm scared for America.

Hope you all have more than a bear to snuggle with this Valentine's Day, and if not, there's always Tinder.

You can reach Erin Kelly on Twitter.

(Image via Shutterstock)