An Open Letter to My Future Husband and Sister Wives From Your Potential 5th Wife (Here’s Hoping!)
Dear Kody, Meri, Janelle, Christine, and Robyn:
DAMN, y'all have a lot of kids! (Oops, are we not supposed to say damn? Sorry, I'll work on that.) I'm so flattered that y'all are considering me to be Mrs. Brown #5. What an honor! I love watching y'all on Sister Wives on TLC. So I guess it was fate that y'all just happened to accidentally back into my car with your giant Suburban in the Walmart parking lot. And Kody, it was so cute when you said: “Aw, shoot, we're sorry. Now, we could exchange insurance information like everybody does, or we could all just marry you instead!” (Seriously, though, have y'all submitted that insurance paperwork yet?)
As you know, I didn't grow up in a polygamist household. My whole life, I've dreamed of being married to just one man — and four other ladies. See, my upbringing was very strange and dysfunctional: My parents were only ever married to each other. And they didn't have, like, 37 children. They only had two. Throughout their marriage, my parents lived in the same house and slept in the same bed. My father didn't sleep with my mother every third or fourth night, and retire to the bedrooms of his other wives on the other nights. You can see how this type of arrangement would have been extremely traumatic for a child.
Which is why wife #5 sounds like the perfect job for me. See, I'm not ambitious or competitive. I'm actually really lazy. I've never wanted to be #1, #2, #3, or #4 at anything…in school, sports, work, or life. (And it shows…I never have been!) I don't work outside the home, but I hope that wouldn't be a problem for y'all. From what I can tell, Kody and Janelle, it seems like you've got that angle covered. And y'know, it's funny, I'm also not really into housework, either (cleaning, laundry, dishes, that sort of thing). But Christine seems like such as expert at all those things, and I'd never want to take that power away from her. I've often been told that one of my best qualities is selflessness.
Oh, and I love how all those older teenage kids of yours (what are their names again?) get up every morning at 5 a.m. and make breakfast for all the other kids. That is so wonderful, y'all. Just curious: Could we keep that whole thing going? That way, maybe the older ones could stick around to whip me up some flapjacks or an omelette at around 10-ish. See, I'm really not much of a morning person, and trust me, you do not want to taste my cooking. (Though I do make great reservations, which is why I was so thrilled when Kody suggested that he and I go to Tortilla Flats for Mexican food. I love that place. But I certainly did not expect things to get so heated in the back seat of the dented Suburban after dinner! You told your four wives about our third date, right, Kody?
Which reminds me, as you know, I don't have any children. And, honestly, I really don't want any. Does that make me a bad person? I hope not. But, let's face it, even if I started today, I'd certainly never be able to compete with the rest of y'all in that department! Plus, not to name names, but I've seen the way wife #2 has really let herself go after pushing out half-a-dozen or so rugrats, and I'd rather that not happen to me. No offense, y'all.
One logistical question: Which wing of the house would be mine? I only ask because it seems like things are getting pretty tight in there these days. But not to worry: I have some ideas about an addition that would include a cathedral ceiling, an open-plan kitchen, living room, and dining room with granite countertops and stainless steel appliances (perfect for entertaining, which I like to do a lot…just wait til y'all taste my appletinis on girls' night!), a media room, and a bathroom with a Jacuzzi tub and dual sinks. (Sorry, Kody, but that last one is non-negotiable.)
Oh, and one more thing. Kody, if this whole thing works out and I'm lucky enough to have y'all choose me to become wife #5, I'll be more than happy to skip my nights with you anytime (or even all the time), and give them to Meri, Janelle, Christine, and Robyn. No, really. It's fine. I swear. I think it would mean a lot to my four other sister wives. Like I said, I'm a selfless person. It's just my nature. (And, don't forget, I'm also lazy.) Besides, I'll have my 52-inch flat-screen Sony LCD TV to keep me company, won't I? (Kody, please forward those specs to the contractor. Thanks.)
Hope to marry y'all soon!
Much love (but not in a gay way, ladies),