Well Being

10 Ways To Use Your Social Anxiety To Become Hotter

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10 Ways To Use Your Social Anxiety To Become Hotter the hermit the world 640x483 jpgThe way I see it, introversion is an aesthetic advantage.

Spending days at a time without speaking aloud to any other humans can be productive (if you think improving your appearance based on societal ideals is a productive way to use time, and I do).

I’ve been crazy social lately–always out and about. As a result, my hair is dirty, my skin is dull and my eyelashes lackluster. It’s not always like this, I often let my obsessive grooming and vanity get in the way of my social life, opting to avoid sleeping over at a boyfriend’s house godforbid they don’t have makeup remover or stressing out at a party because I won’t have time to rub myself with salves that promise eternal youth. Being overly gregarious and social has taken a toll on my looks and also on my psyche. I’m a wreck when I don’t get to spend time by myself.

It’s easy to feel left out of the fun when your buddies are at brunch, but you’re waiting for your hair to airdry. You know what else makes feeling left out easy? Being an introvert. Even though I think some humans are okay (even lovable) and I like playing with my friends, as an introvert I routinely need to hide myself away from the world to recharge. And that’s okay! I’ve accepted that I can’t always be bothered with fun. It’s okay to hermit-out for a little bit and take breaks from being a party animal–especially if you emerge from your introvert cocoon feeling hotter than ever before.

Here are 10 ways to improve your appearance as a shut-in:

  1. Slap coconut oil or deep conditioner on your hair and let it soak in while you avoid showers and sunlight
  2. Smear a mask on your face and really let it penetrate your skin, it’s not like anyone is going to see you. Video chatting someone would feel a little too intimate when I feel like I need to shut the world out.
  3. Take you nail polish off and groom the shit out of your nails and cuticles. Let your nails breathe; hermits don’t need lacquered finger tips.
  4. Soften your feet, make em sparkle. Soak them in the tub while you contemplate finding a nice cave or underground bunker to move into. Scrub dead skin and callouses off.  Then drench them in intensely moisturizing cream and put socks on. Your feet will stay nice for a long time if you don’t use them for walking around.
  5. Do mini work-outs. Lunges during commercial breaks, 10 minutes of indoor calisthenics when you finish a chapter of a book. It doesn’t matter if you’re sweaty, no one even knows where you are.
  6. Stretch your muscles. You can make pornographic noises of pleasure like no one is watching. Because no one is.
  7. Take exceptionally luxurious baths. Soak like a dish.
  8. Nourish yourself. Cook elegant and healthy meals from scratch, you have all day to do it.
  9. Change your sheets. It’s so nice to sleep when there aren’t graham cracker crumbs and ashes in your bed. Plus it’s good for your skin.
  10. Turn off your phone. Screw everyone you know. Your phone is dirty and clogging your pores, looking at it is making you squint. Give it a rest. You aren’t really hermitting until you shut it down.