Well Being

10 Totally Effed Up Thoughts I Had While Getting A Bikini Wax

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“Pet me, I'm adorable.”

In case anyone was wondering what was going on in my bathing suit area, I got it waxed today.

This morning, the first thing I did after getting coffee(twice) was get a bikini wax on my way to work. I spend a ton of money getting fancy fucking waxes at Bliss and I won't go anywhere else. My experiences in other salons have only pushed me deeper into the cult of Bliss. I trust their aestheticians with my nethers. Please don't try and shame me(or any woman you know who waxes her vag) for wasting exorbitant amounts of money on a torturous beauty treatment. I do what I want with my body and my money!

I should also let you know that I do not get my junk waxed because of patriarchal pressures. In fact, most of my partners have had serious “long hair, don't care” attitudes about pubic haircuts. If I wanted to fit in, I'd grow my shit out all retro-sexy. My friends think a fully bald downstairs zone is cheesy and porny. Which it totally is. But I don't do this to myself to be sexy. I just like getting waxed–sue me! Sure, it's painful, but that's kind of the point.

Getting waxed feels like an ancient rite and I dig that as much as I dig the rose-petally feel of a freshly waxed beav. At least that's how I feel when I'm not laying down with a hot lamp illuminating my snatch like it's an alien specimen in a lab. When I'm splayed out on the table, I experience a lot of weird feelings. None of those feelings are “can't wait to do this again in six weeks”…until it's over and I'm all flush with adrenaline, then I'm like “what else can I get waxed?”

Anyway, here are 10 thoughts that run through my head not before, not after, but during a brazilian wax:

  1. What if she just rips my clit clean off?
  2. What does my waxer's pubic hair situation look like? Is it rude to ask?
  3. The wax is much hotter than I remembered.
  4. Did she just say “whoops?”
  5. You are a warrior. You are a warrior. You are a warrior.
  6. I'm not a warrior; I'm a puss!
  7. Anyone who thinks a waxed mons pubis looks prepubescent can eat me. This is an R-rated activity for grown ups only.
  8. This hurts! I'm just going to get up and leave. I don't care that it's only halfway done.
  9. You made it this far, you warrior-pussy–do not chicken out now.
  10. The butthole is my favorite part.

How you like me now?