Well Being

10 Totally Effed Up Thoughts I Had Trying It In The Butt

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augustus gloopI come across as more sexually adventurous than I really am, but much to my chagrin, my sexual proclivities lean to the prudish side. Considering my youth (a few weeks away from my 24th birthday,) I suppose I have years and years to learn how to get freaky, but as of now, I keep it vanilla. Not that I haven't tried doing cool sex stuff–in fact, I've been trying to try it in the butt for ages.

Every attempt at anal sex has ended up with me yelping in fear and scuttling away before contact has even been made between the dude's P (penis) and by BH(butt-hole), until very recently. Since I'm already bringing shame upon anyone who has ever known me by discussing my pathetic sex life so candidly, it's worth mentioning that I have had my butt licked and I've liked it a lot every time, except for that time when my then-boyfriend started getting handsy with it and put his fingers in there before I could crawl to the edge of the bed and crumple into a crying heap. It's like anything outside of the butt is beyond cool, but once they start tunneling, I'm out.

My fear of butt stuff has been majorly disappointing (to me, not to most of my sexual partners who have been very understanding and cool about consent and boundaries and stuff). It's just that I want to be the kind of person that does anal. I know it's not gross or anything–it's how a lot of people have sex, even if they have a vagina in the mix. I've done extensive research on the subject and have discussed it exhaustively with friends who enjoy that form of intercourse, but I just can't make it work.

The first time I tried butt sex was horrible. The asshole who tried pressuring me into it didn't have lubricant, but assured me that saliva would do the trick. It didn't and I left his house immediately. I haven't spoken to him since and I never will again because that's an awful trick to play on someone who tells you they are terrified of being penetrated anally. I went to my best friend's house after to watch movies and drink wine which cured my hurt feelings, but not my lightly bleeding sphincter.

Most recently, when I tried exploring the old poop chute (effing disgusting euphemism), I got farther than I ever have. He actually got part of his penis up in there before I recoiled, but I did recoil and did not end up having anal sex. But I got close, which I guess counts for something.

Here are 10 Effed up thoughts I had trying to do it in the butt:

  1. I trust this idiot not to hurt me, so this is totally worth a try.
  2. Where does one even find such large bottles of lubricant?
  3. The lube between my cheeks makes it feel like I had an accident.
  4. Oh man, accidents–should I have given myself an enema or something?
  5. At best, I don't poop or bleed. Do not like those odds.
  6. He's warming my butt up with a finger and I guess I don't really mind.
  7. Thank goodness I had that wine earlier.
  8. There is a penis poking at my butt.
  9. THERE IS A PENIS MAKING ITS WAY INTO MY BUTT.
  10. Get the fuck out of there dude; this hurts.

And that's how I failed at anal again. He took the condom off, put a clean one on and we had classic penis-in-vagina sex together. I'm not going to give up on the butt, one day I will try again and like it, damn it.

Image Via Paramount Pictures