I Don’t Feel Sorry For You: Taylor Swift That Harry Styles’ Christmas Gift is $80K

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I don’t feel sorry for you, Taylor Swift, that you feel you have to spend 80K on a Christmas present for Harry StylesWord on the street is that you have been shopping around stores in Liverpool looking for rare Beatles memorabilia to give to your latest sweetheart, and that you are willing to pay a small fortune for it.

$80,000 is a lot to spend on something that isn’t four years of college at a school with a fun party scene but also a top-notch research facility and D1 Basketball! But I don’t feel sorry for you, because I sort of feel like your life has been leading up to this moment.

First, your record, Red, is selling off the charts. If anyone anytime is going to blow a Lexus-worth wad on some signed crap, it’s you and it’s now. You’ll make it back by Thursday. In a way, it’s like the fans buying your CD right now are really just investing in a Kickstarter for Harry’s gift. And I’m sure they’re fine with it.

Second, you’ve had a lot of boyfriends in the recent past. Now, I don’t want anyone to get the wrong message. I’m not saying you shouldn’t date as many boys as you want until you find the right one. I’m just saying that in order to make Harry feel more special than the other boys, you’ve gotta up the ante. So you’ve now dated yourself into an 80 Grand present bracket. That’s okay, that’s cool. Just know that about yourself.

Third, I’m sure it’s like, totally hard to get a present for Harry Styles. He can buy whatever he wants. So you’re sort of stuck getting those weird it’s-highly-tailored-to-you-but-just-gonna-collect-dust gifts. It’s like that time I got my then boyfriend an electronic chess set for Christmas. “What is that,” you might ask yourself. Exactly. But I was in a bind and I was in a Spencer’s. Voila! Useless waste of money present acquired.

Tay-Tay, I do want you to know that this is not how it would go in the regular world. Just by comparison. You guys have only been dating for a couple of months. In the real world of regular-people dating, a two-month relationship would maybe warrant a Christmas present. Probably not, but maybe.

And if it did warrant a present, then the present would be something that falls squarely in the wacky category, like a cat calendar or a … I don’t know. Cat calendar is the best option. Ideally that cat calendar would reference some sort of inside joke you two had within the last three weeks. But not the last three days, lest he know you waited till the last minute to get the gift. Or lest it seem like you didn’t have any inside jokes until three days ago, or worse, that you don’t pay attention to what he says, and then it’s like, what’s this relationship built on in the first place? Did I say relationship? I’m just kidding! Jeez! I was doing an impression of my friend Margaret! She always says that word! You know Margaret?! The one with the hands?

And that’s how that would go.

Anyway. My point is. These 80 G’s you’re dropping are highly unorthodox in a layman’s world given where you are in the relationship. Take it from me, a girl not dating Harry Styles. I would never get him $80,000 of Beatles memorabilia, or any other bug for that matter. But then again, I'm no Taylor Swift.