Ryan Gosling And Eva Mendes Are Officially Broken Up, If You Ignore The Fact That They Aren’t

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Ryan Gosling Eva Mendes New York City May 2012

In extremely confusing news, Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes have officially called it quits, except that they totally haven't. If there's one thing celebrity gossip is good at, it's talking out of both sides of its mouth. That mouth also has a piece of donut sticking out of it. Don't ask why, but celebrity gossip loves donuts. Much like Ryan Gosling loves Eva Mendes. Or doesn't. They're not really into labels, specifically the labels of “broken up” or “together.”

For what feels like the thousandth time in the past few months, Ryan and Eva have officially broken up according to the Internet. The Daily Mail points out that two publications (InTouch and Life & Style) announced the couple's split yesterday. InTouch‘s source said, “Neither of them is rushing out to date other people right now,” as if either of them has to make an effort to date anyone. Life & Style claims they “knew it was time.” Apparently that time was back in December, when they're alleged to have broken up. The reason? Eva loves fame and going out, while Ryan loves staying in and giving foot rubs. Okay, the foot rub thing was only in my dreams, but it's totally plausible. They also disagreed over the number one thing for celebrity couples to disagree about — marriage and babies. They apparently both knew it was time to settle down, but then they were like, “Meh, I don't really feel like it.”

Except none of that happened if you believe Eva's rep, who's quoted as saying this is “just another round of rumors.” Baloney, if you will. Malarkey, if you're old. Bullshit, if you're into cursing. But that's just not enough to clear things up for me. I'm starting to think maybe they have broken up and Eva's just not ready to let it go, so she's shooting down every report. Like that Seinfeld episode where George's girlfriend won't allow him to break up with her. Just imagine Ryan Gosling as a short balding man and it's exactly the same. Ugh, this is why celebrities need to friend all of us on Facebook and change their relationship status in a timely manner. And while they're at it they should RSVP to our birthday party invites. I demand answers!