Relationships

Romancing The Bone: No Really, Blowjobs Are Sex

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As girls begin to explore the boner-filled wonderland that is Human Sexuality, they will eventually run into a discrepancy between our society’s definition of what constitutes sex and the large variety of activities people watch on RedTube with the sound off. That is to say, many people do not consider oral sex to be “real” or “actual” sex. Not me though! As a result of this pervasive idea, many young women (and men) might invest in a pair of quality knee-pads, but would never dream of counting a mouth-lover as a full sexual partner. And that’s an idea I take umbrage with!

So is a blowjob or muff-diving really sex? O man, yes.  A thousand times yes! Maybe I just have a bee in my bonnet (note to self: stop constantly wearing bonnets), but it’s hard for me to comprehend why anyone who has received oral sex would not consider it to be sex. It’s got that same great sex feeling! It’s even more baffling to me why anyone who has ever GIVEN ORAL SEX wouldn’t think it was sex. Guys, of course it is! I feel like I’m taking crazy pills here!

Oral sex is just as much sexing as intercourse because it is as emotionally-fraught and risky (disease-wise) as full-on boning, and with it comes the responsibilities to oneself and others that intercourse requires.

And not only can I loudly insist that oral is sex, but I have the facts to prove it.

Fact #1: Oral sex involves naked wieners or vaginas, a hallmark of many people’s sexual experiences.

Fun Fact #2: Oral sex requires said sexy parts be touched by the hands and/or mouth of someone other than the owner of said genitals.

Fun Fact #3:  Call me new-fashioned, but if somebody gets bodily fluids in or around their body, then they just had sex with someone else (or are near someone with amazing reach/aim). The defense rests, your honor!

Which is not to say there is no distinction between intercourse and going down on someone. For example, blowjobs and eating a hot boxed lunch at the Y (please someone email me some tolerable cunnilingus euphemisms for future columns) have the beautiful benefit of not getting you pregnant. How great is that?!?! (Answer: very, very great). Maybe I’m a hypochondriac or I just watch too much TLC, but I am personally convinced I am pregnant all the time. Watching my face as I view I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant is like watching The Exorcist, what with the screaming and gnashing of teeth I’m doing. So it’s nice to be able to sit back, relax and not having to pick out baby names for your phantom fetus.

If a girl finds herself dealing with the same level of pregnant-terror (or, you know, a more normal amount), oral sex is a shining beacon of awesomeness that, despite what you may have heard in fourth grade, cannot get you pregnant. Ah yes, oral sex offers all the good times of intercourse, but few of the negative aspects.

Until you get gonorrhea of the throat. Ugh! That exists! (My mom was a nurse!) Also, it is truly disgusting and horrible to think about, which is one reason I vote that we begin talking about oral sex as the full, valid sexual experience it is. By valuing intercourse overall, it gives the impression that only one specific form of boning is “real,” as in “valid” or “worth getting an STD test form,” which is patently false.

Of course, there will be a section of the population that will be hesitant to lump oral sex buddies in with their sexy-sex partners because, well, THERE IS A LOT MORE they don’t want to cop to. Which is why I’d also like to have a moratorium on the entire concept of someone’s number. Not because my own is so staggeringly high (I wish!) or devastatingly low (I wish!), but because it’s an arbitrary number that neither reflects someone’s moral character or (let’s be honest) how good they will be in the sack. Throwing one or two or 20 more names on the Sex Pile doesn’t make anyone a slut. Slut is a Middle English word for  “a dirty, untidy, or slovenly woman,” and honey, I wrote this column in my pajamas at 3:00pm.

Okay, so in the end, what is the moral of my insane rambling? Why should we care if oral sex gets the full-sex treatment? Because we should choose intercourse as The One True Sex, when it is only one facet of an awesome sex life.  Both intercourse and beejs can be deeply intimate and personal, or something you do because the cable’s out, and sometimes both within a ten -minute time span! Physically and emotionally speaking, the only difference is that intercourse can get you knocked up, and let’s be honest, most of us are actively trying to prevent that from happening any time soon. So f a women isn’t comfortable with P-in-V yet, then she should go ahead, put on a crown from Burger King and declare herself Blow Job Queen. But hey society, let’s not fool ourselves into thinking that blowjobs do not constitute Sex With A Capital XXX mentally and orgasmically. Doing otherwise just spreads confusion and herpes simplex 2.

(Photo by MajorIsh)