Relationship Ninja: Why Did He Unfriend Me On Facebook?
Q. A few months ago, I called it quits with a guy I'd been dating. We had an amazing connection, but he was super-stressed and busy with school, had just ended a five-year relationship, and was all over the place emotionally – whereas I was ready to get serious with someone. I didn't want to keep seeing him knowing that I'd always want more than he could give me, so I told him that I thought we should give it a rest and to call me when he was in a better place. He wasn't happy about it, but agreed that he was too screwed up to be anyone's boyfriend and he'd be in touch later. We haven't really talked since then, but I thought I might hear from him after he finishes up with grad school, which is happening in a couple weeks.
Instead, I woke up yesterday and discovered that he'd unfriended me on Facebook.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but I'm totally shocked and miserable. Partly it's that I was hoping for a reconciliation, but I also can't understand why he would do it. It's such a pointless rejection and it really hurts, and I'm driving myself crazy wondering why. So basically, what the hell? And what do I do now?
A. Confession: One second after reading this letter, my reaction was less-than-sympathetic. Dude, who the hell cares? It's Facebook, for Pete's sake! Just cry it out, have a drink, and let it go!
But then, a crack suddenly appeared in the seemingly simple surface of your problem. And then another. And soon, the entire thing had fallen away to reveal an endless black abyss of Inexplicable Douchebaggery – because a wordless de-friending doesn't reflect the sort of indifference you might expect after months of no contact. In fact, it's kind of… I mean… well, yeah. What the hell?
Unfortunately, I can't fathom what's going on here; severing your Facebook ties without explanation is a bizarrely aggressive act for a not-quite-relationship that ended on amicable, if wistful, terms. But there's someone who can shed some light on the subject: Him.
So, rather than flailing around in the dark and tormenting yourself with the Whys, wait a day or two for the emotional sting to dull – and then send him an email that says, “Hey, did you unfriend me? WTF?”
It's having no information, no explanation, that's driving you crazy. And while contacting him may not yield an explanation, it'll definitely leave you better off than you are right now. No matter what happens, you'll have information. For instance:
If he never writes back, you know he's a worthless doucheface.
If he gives you some bullshit hedging excuse, you know he's a worthless doucheface.
And if it's a weird mistake, or there's a viable, non-psychotic reason why he did this, he'll offer it up… and if he doesn't, he is a worthless doucheface.
Obviously, chances are slim that he's anything but a worthless doucheface, but you lose nothing by finding out. Because while I'm all for saving face and being dignified about rejection, pretending that this wasn't remarkably weird isn't dignified; it's disingenuous. It IS weird. And if you fail to point out how weird it is, the only person who benefits is the guy in question. And you don't owe him anything.
Got a question about dating, relationships, or friends (with or without benefits)? Get advice from Kat! Send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.