The Non-Celeb’s Guide To Predicting A Celeb’s Divorce

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Every single time I open the newspaper (that's a euphemism for rapidly hitting refresh on TMZ over and over and over again), I find that another celebrity couple is divorcing. Just yesterday the 11-year marriage of Jennie Garth and Peter Facinelli crumbled over rumors of infidelity and all kinds of other vampire mischief.

Frankly, I just can't take this kind of heartbreak and trauma any longer. I'm still recovering from my brief bout of PTSD from Heidi Klum and Seal's separation. If I'm so distraught, I can't even imagine what Leni is going through (however if she's interested in doing a one-on-one exclusie interview to help me imagine, I'm more than happy to do it).

Thankfully we all won't have to undergo this category 5 divorce surprise any longer. Garth Sundem and John Tierney refined their 2006 Sundem/Tierney Unifed Celebrity Theory so that it's easier than ever to guess which celebrities will stay together and which ones will get to see their custody battles played out in bright neon colors on Radar Online.

What's the big secret? Well in Tierney's New York Times column,  Garth says:

“The new equation uses a ratio of two other measures: the number of mentions in The Times divided by mentions in The National Enquirer…This is a major improvement in the equation. It turns out that overall fame doesn’t matter as much as the flavor of the fame. It’s tabloid fame that dooms you. Sure, Katie Holmes had about 160 Enquirer hits, but she had more than twice as many NYT hits. A high NYT/ENQ ratio also explains why Chelsea Clinton and Kate Middleton have better chances than the Kardashian sisters.”

So basically, the more tabloid exposure the wife has, the less chance the marriage has to survive. The more you read about them, the less you should care about them. Unless of course, you enjoy spending nights at the Hearbreak Hotel.

What else goes into the equation? Glad you asked!

Besides the wife’s tabloid fame, the crucial ones are the spouses’ combined age (younger couples divorce sooner), the length of the courtship (quicker to wed, quicker to split), and the sex-symbol factor (defined formally as the number of Google hits showing the wife “in clothing designed to elicit libidinous intent”).

So basically everyone you read about online everyday is doomed. Okay, maybe not doomed. But I wouldn't rush out and tattoo Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez's faces with a heart around them quite yet. Nor would I start shopping for Khloe and Lamar's anniversary present. Garth says:

“I’ve calculated the chance of Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom celebrating their golden anniversary. Even when I extend it to 15 decimal places, the probability is still zero.”

While this isn't shocking to hear, it's kind of sad seeing the future laid out so clearly. Then again it gives E! lots of time to plan around all the divorces. And maybe by the time Khloe gets divorced, Kylie Jenner's sex tape will be ready to launch. Fingers crossed!