Prepare Your Spit Take: Cameron Diaz And Benji Madden Are Getting Married Tonight

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Cameron Diaz driving with Benji Madden October 2015

In hopes of being the first couple of 2015 to make you wonder if “tonight” no longer has the same meaning that it did in 2014,  Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden are getting married tonight. As in January 5th, 2015 tonight. At least according to our gossipy gal pals over at Us Weekly. They also claim that the couple hosted a rehearsal dinner last night. And I do say claim, because I still don't quite believe this news. Because WHAAAA? and HUHHH? and Say Whaaaat Karaoke.

Also because they just got engaged a few weeks ago…after dating for less than a year. I used those ellipses so you can take some time to let this timeline sink in. Next thing you know, Cam will be all like, “I'm pregnant” and then give birth to a tattooed and pierced 13-year-old three months later. Which, if I'm not mistaken, is the plot of Blake Lively's humblebrag masterpiece, The Age of Adaline. (Just kidding, I know I'm mistaken, I'm just trying to make #BizarreAgeBasedMoviePlotsThatMakeMoreSenseThanAdaline trend before it comes out.)

While everyone's wondering if a surprise pregnancy is the reason that they're sprinting to the altar, I'm not so sure. Sure, biologically speaking, she could be pregnant. But it's not 1952 and your grandmother is the only one who can still say “out of wedlock” with a straight face. So I feel like that's not it. Especially since Cam's been so open about being anti-motherhood recently. But if she's not baking a baby, then what is it?

And before you say it, I've already considered the fact that it could be an effort to lift an ancient curse. As well as a way to distract from all the horrible Annie reviews.  Also, possibly, a bid to be the subject of the next season of Serial. Or perhaps an excuse to wear white after labor day. Or maybe even an attempt to make Mondays less “ugh, is it Friday yet?” Whatever it is, I'm intrigued. There's nothing I love more than a celebrity mystery.

Leave your best guesses in the comments, the person who gets the closest to the right answer is allowed to date me, propose to me and marry me within the year.

(Photo: RA, PacificCoastNews)