An Open Letter to That Couple Making Out on the Subway This Morning

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Hai guys! What's up? It's certainly early in the morning, and you, like myself, are probably on your way to your respective jobs, meaning that for all intents and purposes, that hot, steamy session of tantric sex you engaged in last night in one of your Brooklyn apartments off the L-train is now just a fond memory. You will have to go back to the daily grind, as it were, with only minimal phone/gchat/Skype contact. Lame! But please be advised: If you attempt to recreate any part of your foreplay last night on this overly-packed train at 9 a.m., I will be forced to pretend to take pictures of you until you are shamed into quitting your gross P.D.A.

Look, I'm not a prude. I've had sex in open places, and done some gross things I'm not proud of. And little public displays of affection, while bothersome to me personally, are usually quite harmless. But sticking your tongue down your lover's ear or throat for sloppy make-outs in a subway car that already feels like we're being hoarded to Auschwitz? Well then, you deserve to know how uncomfortable you're making everyone, and the only way to do that without physically prying the two of you away from each other and making you sit on opposite sides of the train is to take my phone, point it in your direction, and quietly (not that quietly) make clicking noises out of the side of my mouth.

Fear not! I am not actually taking photos of your gross face-sucking session, because why would I want that on my phone? No, my screen still has my recently-paused Suduko game, which you so rudely interrupted when your hand brushed against my leg to better get a grip on your girlfriend's ass, thus alerting me that the sound that I originally took to be a broken air-vent are actually deep, dry-coital moaning. Please, don't mind me as I get down on one knee, pretend to tie my shoe, and then angle my phone upward, as if to get a better view of your hand on the inside of your girlfriend's shirt. I am not the pervert here, remember.

Hopefully, by this time I've drawn enough attraction to myself that a) people assume we're all 3 engaged in the making of some viral porn movie or b) you become so ashamed that you roughly push your girlfriend away, mumbling “People are looking at us.” Yes, they are, subway couple, and they are also judging you.