You Guys, We Forgot Chuck Norris’ Birthday

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I don't know how I'm still alive to type this, since the fury of Chuck Norris‘ roundhouse kick should have demolished me for failing to mention the 71st birthday of the man who played Walker, Texas Ranger for eight years and inspired one of the greatest Internet memes. But the Bearded One is apparently forgiving, because I've been allowed to live another day, provided that I give you the best Chuck Norris facts.

  • Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.
  • Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he's never cried.
  • Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
  • Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
  • If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
  • Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk, and Kill.
  • Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
  • Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
  • The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors and the pilot tape has been burned.
  • Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.