The Cliff Notes Guide To Making Money Off Your Kid

By  | 

Baby throwing change GIF (via)

When I was going on and on earlier this year about my conspiracy theories about a certain celebrity pretending to be pregnant, one of the most common questions I got was some variation on, “But whyyyyy would anyone ever do that?” Which I get. If you don't have my perspective (i.e. glued to the computer all day), it can be hard to see the benefits that an interested celebrity might reap from having kids.

It comes down to the word ‘money', but for those of you who aren't satisfied with that answer — DON'T WORRY — I'm gonna explain it more. I just need a celebrity guest to help me do so, and I can't think of anyone better than Danielle Jonas, a woman who's better at exploiting her daughter than probably anyone I've seen before…aside from Kris Jenner, obviously. But Danielle is holding her own in this race with five less kids, so show some respect, okay?

And before we get started, I should mention that most celebrities don't do this. Most celebrities don't have kids to make a buck, they do it to have kids. But even if someone does make money off their offspring, that doesn't mean they don't love them; that's not what I'm saying. It just means they don't mind sacrificing their own privacy and the privacy of their child for a little profit. And while that's not a decision that I think I'd make myself, I'm also not in a position to sell the first photos of me and my newborn for over $40, let alone $4 million, so to each their own, y'know?

And now, without further ado, I present to you: The Cliff Notes Guide To Making Money Off Your Kid — Celebrity Edition. (Aka a ready-made explanation for why anyone would bother faking their pregnancy.)

Baby throwing money GIF


1. The Pregnancy

Ideally, you're gonna want this to be biological, because everybody loves pregnant ladies. All of a sudden people will be much more interested in photographing you, because baby bumps are more popular than your run-of-the-mill ‘stepping out to get a smoothie' photo. If you really want to rake in the cash, you can tip of photographers to where they'll be so that you have control of the shot and get a portion of the profits.

And we're not talking about just paparazzi, either. Once you're showing, all of a sudden you're qualified to shill for a whole variety of baby and pregnancy-related brands, and they're just as desperate to have you as you are to have them. (Something to do with nobody ever lasting more than nine months in the job or whatever.) It's a high-demand market with much lower competition, so even C-listers like Danielle can get the cover of Fit Pregnancy, a lucrative contract, or just…a bunch of baskets of free stuff.

And these are just a few examples. If you take a look at Danielle's Instagram, pretty much every five photos or so, she has a new picture up of a baby product, with a thank you and their name tagged in the comment.

2. The Milestones

This is kind of a subheading of the pregnancy, but pretty much every time something particularly…gestational happens, you can make that news. Danielle did it in a particularly intelligent way, by requiring fans to download the Jonas brothers app in order to stay up-to-date on stuff like the gender reveal and the first sonogram.

3. The Birth

It's tough to get too much out of this, because ew, gross, bodily functions, but again, we have to turn to Danielle, master of all things self-promotional. She set up some kind of relationship with Dreft, a company previously known only for selling laundry detergent, wherein they were allowed to announce the birth, release the name, and post the first picture.

…and then a bunch more pictures after that. They appear to have an exclusive contract.

Who knows how much the Jonases are being paid for this contract (because it appears to be ongoing!), but it has to have been pretty lucrative, because it gained Dreft an immense amount of followers in a very short time span. It also made Alena Rose look like she was a commercial product, branded in the corner with the company name like she was, but these are the sacrifices we must make as we pad our wallets!

4. Getting Your Body Back

As much as everyone loves pregnant ladies, that's how much everyone HATES ladies who look like pregnant ladies but can no longer explain away their extra weight with the excuse that they're nurturing a human life inside them. So basically, you gotta lose that weight. Pronto.

If you're some A-List millionaire, you can get away with staying under the radar for however long it takes, only to emerge glowing with radiance, humblebragging about Pilates and losing the weight through breastfeeding and ‘chasing the kid around‘. But if you really want to get the full bang for your buck, you can get a weight-loss contract with a company like Weight Watchers, like Jessica Simpson did. They want you to succeed as much as you want to succeed, so they're gonna make sure you have every possible weight-loss tool at your disposal…including a salary.

Nice work if you can get it, right? But the only way to get it is by having a kid. Otherwise no one would have any interest in sending you free things or having you on the cover of their magazine, or in you being in perfect shape.

There's no fun in that, y'know? And more importantly…there's no money.