Tom Cruise Has A New 26-Year Old Girlfriend, Now Just Needs A New Jumping Couch

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'Jack Reacher' film premiereIt's happening, guys. The moment is finally here. Allegedly gay and definitely annoying actor Tom Cruise has moved on from his all-too-brief and beard-ful marriage to Katie Holmes with a shiny new lady! Her name is Cynthia Jorge, she's 26-years old (to Tom's 50) and she's originally from Queens, New York. Currently she works as a manager at the restaurant Beauty and Essex, but I'm sure that once she signs the marriage contract, she'll be free to quit at her leisure to focus on grooming herself for media appearances.

Tom's publicists have been doing a really good job of getting the word out there, releasing breathless details of their fairytale romance. The two met at her restaurant, where Cynthia apparently gave Tom her business card on the way out. He called her back but couldn't get in touch with her, even staying on hold at the restaurant. Ooh, playing hard to get, huh Cynthia? Smart move with a Type A personality like Tommy boy. Also a smart move if you're totes not interested. I wonder which is the case.

Then later, when the princess finally came down from her tower to offer the knight a glimpse of her lily-white hand, Tom took Cynthia dancing at Le Baron, where the epic love saga continues:

“They did the salsa. He took her in his arms and spun her around the dance floor. Tom looked like a pro. At one point, they began grinding together. It was straight out of Dirty DancingTom seemed to be in his own world, completely smitten.”

Yes, that sounds exactly like the kind of details a random bystander would be able to offer.  Because whenever I'm talking behind my friend's back to a national magazine about their FIRST DATE with a rando, I always mention which romantic movie it reminds me of. You know, just to keep things fresh. And I also give key details about their date's outfit, such as:

“[Tom] was mesmerized by Cynthia. She had her hair in a bun, wore tight black pants and looked gorgeous. It was obvious; he's enamored with this woman.”

I'm honestly surprised this ‘source' didn't mention how kind and maternal she seems, and what a solid mother figure she'll make for Suri. Maybe they're saving that for the second date. Taking it slow.

(Image: Sean Thorton /