My First Impressions Of The Real Housewives Of Miami

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There's nothing like a franchise, and with the return of The Real Housewives of Miami last night, Bravo's happy little family of privileged plastic ladies just got a little bit bigger. Returning, we have Marysol, Adriana, and Lea, with four new faces (literally) as well: Joanna, Lisa, Karent, and Ana. Now, I am fully caught up with my New York Housewives, but this is my first time watching the Miami version. So, in that vein, I figured I'd give you my first impressions of these rich bitches, in case you're in the same position. Sidenote: never did I ever think that anything would make me think that the New York City Housewives weren't that heavily plastic surgery-ed, but The Real Housewives of Miami certainly did the trick. Holy plastic hell, Batman.
Case in point: Marysol Patton. Marysol owns her own public relations firm, which gives her lots of free time to return for a second season of RHOM and be newly separated from her husband, Philippe. Her tag line for the season is, “My job is about making fast decisions, but my personal life I leave up to destiny.” But I don't care about any of that. What I care about is her mother, Elsa, who's the talking flesh paper bag also pictured in the photo above. Elsa is a ‘seer', and lives with Marysol and their dog Napoleon in a huge, opulent house, blah blah blah I don't know because I can't stop staring at her FACE. Apparently some plastic surgeon effed it up (obviously), because she reminds me of a human version of a Muppet, only slurrier and scarier.

Lea Black. I think I probably don't care. She represents more of the ‘old money' of Miami, as she has an actual job — in real estate — and far less discernible plastic surgery than the rest of the Housewives, even though she's significantly older. Wikipedia informs me that she's married with a 9-year old son, and her tag line is, “I can deal with a lot, but I can't deal with stupid.” On second thought, this broad might be right up my alley, as long as she doesn't take herself too seriously.

Adriana De Moura-Sidi. The last of the returning Housewives, she also has a job (as an art dealer), and is engaged to a man named Frederic, who obviously loves her very much, as he's purchased her a yacht to live on…just as soon as its refurbished and contains, at the very minimum, a baby grand piano and a walk-in closet. But don't worry, she's not high maintenance. Her tag line is, “I may speak five languages, but my true language is independence.” Hokay. Which five, and independence from what? A middle-class lifestyle? Because you were drawing a pretty hard line on that baby grand.

Joanna Krupa. Viva le new Miami. Joanna is a Polish model who splits her time between LA and Miami. When she's in Miami, she lives with her sister, Marta, and her fiancee, Romain, who don't get along with each other. Hurray! She's 33 but looks about 24, and is legitimately famous outside the show. She's done tons of magazine covers, competed on Dancing With The Stars, works with PETA as an animal-activist, and hosts Poland's Next Top Model, Tyra Banks-style. Her tagline is, “I'm a model, but not necessarily a model citizen.” According to her, she can get a little messy when she drinks. Okay, so let's get this Housewife some vodka and start the show.

Lisa Hochstein. She has no job and her tagline is, “My husband's a top plastic surgeon in this town, and I'm his best creation.” That's all you need to know.

Karent Sierra. Aside from having a name that doesn't exist, Karent is also a ‘Dentist to the Stars'. She's originally from Colombia, and dating a Latino soap star named Rodolfo, whom her parents hate. OH and the reason I know that her parents hate him is because they all have breakfast together every morning and they say so. Because they all four live together. No big deal. Karent has big flashy teeth and long shiny hair, and already there are rumors that she and Rodolfo aren't really together. Her tagline is, “If you don't like my smile, then don't look my way.” Nice dentistry tie-in, there, Karent.

Ana Quincoces. She's a lawyer with two daughters and a newly discovered love of cooking. She's also my favorite of the Housewives so far, because she seems the most real. However, that said — she has a pretty non-traditional family life. She and her ex-husband, Robert, have been separated for two years, but she considers him her best friend, he's over all the time for dinner, they talk about his penis and her sexual preferences and his new girlfriend…oh and they also work together. So, um, what? I don't get that, but whatever. What I do get is excited about the potential for drama with Ana, because she's already revealed that Karent's boyfriend Rodolfo met her at a party and got her number and now texts her pretty frequently. She thinks he wants to be more than friends and I think I want to see the whole rest of this season immediately so I can find out what happens.

So that's them — all our new ladies. Now let's release them into the wind and see where they turn up.

(Images: Bravo)