The Many Ways ONE Crushable Commenter Wants Me To Die
While most blog editors dream of developing a loyal community of readers who comment daily and positively on their posts, I always fantasized about finding one special commenter. The kind of commenter who would read my posts daily and take the time to craft multiple identities on the site so he can effectively get his point across.
Well, dreams do come true here at Crushable.com. By the end of my first day, I inspired one reader so much with my article about Demi Lovato's mother, that he pledged to return to the site every single day. At first his comments simply pointed out my stupidity, my tendency to write like a retard invalid and my inability to graduate from high school. (And considering I have a third grade literacy level, as SuperCommenter pointed out, it's a true inability to graduate.)
But then, like the shining star I knew him to be, he started taking more time to really write quality messages. He started developing a persona for each of his many pseudonyms and started to surprise me with the graphic nature of his comments. Of course Crushable readers had no idea that each one of his many names shared the same IP address. But luckily I did and that secret, that wonderfully delicious secret, bonded us on Crushable for life. So Miss Common Sense, James, JoeChief, Jack Frost, Skyer (he's a shy one, doens't comment as much) and the newest little guy 1D Fan, this post is for you. All you buddy. May we forever correspond over shared memories of you getting blow jobs from my mother.
Recently he (or you, if your Google alerts went off and you're reading this) decided that calling me a retarded invalid was not enough. He decided to take his obvious adoration for me to the next level with daily options on how I could best kill myself. I suppose it's the mindset of “if he can't have me, nobody can.” It's sweet and scary and romantic all at the same time. Just like The Notebook. If all of Noah's letters to Allie contained inspired suicide options.
Just because I'm an Internet bully, doesn't mean that I'm completely heartless. That's why I took each of the these wonderful options for suicide as a love note. A love note from my most beloved reader who uses his many names to agree with himself on posts. He's truly charming in that Ted Bundy kind of way.
So with no further ado, here are the many ways I could choose to die this year. If you all have a preferred method, please do weigh in! Oh and IP Address 188.8.131.52 (last number hidden for your safety!), let me know what you think. I do eagerly await your opinion!