‘Real Housewives Of Atlanta’ Foodcap: Barbarian Cream And Babies

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There were a lot of birthdays this week on The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Between Kandi's and Sheree's daughter birthdays and Phaedra actually giving birth to a baby boy, there were plenty of reasons to celebrate. Which is great for the housewives, but not so great for Sheree's new boyfriend Tiy-e, the “love doctor.” If there is one thing we have learned from The Real Housewives of Atlanta, it is this: Alochol+NeNe+lies=bad news for the men of Real Housewives. But good news for us. Shall we?

Scene: Phaedra and Apollo get ready to have their baby
Food: some cookies (that are not lady fingers) that Phaedra decides are too fancy for Apollo to understand.

Phaedra: “It's like lady fingers.”
Apollo: “What's in it?”
Phaedra: “Like, barbarian cream.”

Wow. Phaedra Parks likes some brutal desserts. Also at this juncture, we learn that Phaedra is actually 36 weeks (or for those of you non-math nerds – nine months) preggers. Which means that she got knocked up before her marriage to Apollo.

Scene: Kandi's birthday at Tags, her clothing boutique
Food: Drinks, and lots of them. A candy cane wrapped wig. And Cigarettes.

All of the housewives showed up to Kandi Burruss' birthday (except Phaedra, who was a bout to pop). But did all of them present Kandi with a wig surrounded by candy canes? No. Only Kim Zolciak had the brilliance to do that. Surprisingly (or perhaps not), Kandi looked like an African American version of Kim when she put it on. Here was Kandi's reaction:

“It looked really…hookerish?”

Kandi did not last long as a pint-sized version of Kim.

Meanwhile, all the housewives are suspicious about Phaedra's due date. The lawyer lady to the stars claims she's having a C-section at seven months, but nobody believes her. Kim is even willing to show up at the hospital to wrestle the truth out of her. But first she has a few questions:

Kim: “If I drive with you can I smoke in the car?”
Kandi: “Hello no.”
Kim: “Then I'm not coming.”

Oh well. No baby truth for them it seems.

Scene: NeNe goes to Channel 11 television station to get herself a job.
Food: The newspeople at this station, who NeNe ate alive.

Now that she's getting divorced, NeNe has decided she wants a job. So she's arrived at Channel 11 to see if she can be a celebrity reporter. The staff at Channel 11 seem alternately disgusted and obsessed with everything NeNe says.

At one point, it looked like she might not get the job. But once they found out she had celebrity friends, NeNe was like a shark circling its prey.

Scene: Phaedra goes to the hospital to have her baby
Food: It's a hospital. None. But Phaedra does change her diamond earrings. At least twice.

Phaedra doesn't seem to have put much thought into actually having this baby. When Kandi comes to visit, she tries that whole “I don't know when I got pregnant” shtick. Until the doctor informs her that she is exactly 40 weeks pregnant. Apparently her mother is very religious and she's been hiding her conception date to avoid her wrath. Luckily, her mother is happy to ignore anything the doctor says, so that's just fine.

Scene: Sheree's daughter's birthday party
Food: French fries, mac and cheese , wings, pizza

It's Sheree Whitfield‘s daughter's birthday and her son's graduation from middle school, which sounds like the perfect opportunity to celebrate with a pizza party. As we learn, Sheree's youngest daughter takes after her mother. Given an opportunity to give a speech, this is what she says:

“I like chicken fingers and apple juice.”

Very eloquent. Also, the main attraction of this pizza party is an incredibly speedy indoor race car track. Which is not NeNe's bag. This is what it sounds like when NeNe drives an electric car:

“AAHahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. AAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

As she reasonably explains afterwards:

“I'm not down with the whole race car thing. I'd rather sit at the bar and have a drink.”

Scene: Sheree's Spades party.
Food: Onions and peppers, crab cakes, strawberry whipped cream jello desserts, veggies, pasta salad, “spicy ass rice.”

Sheree is really into the card game Spades. So she invited some friends (and her new boyfriend Tiy-e) over to play. This is the first time that Tiy-e is meeting Sheree's friends. Trouble is, NeNe and Kandi already know who he is. As we've noted before, Tiy-e calls himself a doctor, but he's not. This did not go over well with Sheree. Or her friends. As NeNe points out:

“Lisa was on a bottle of Riesling and she was shaking like a bobble head.”

You  know that spells trouble. This of course was before they all found out Tiy-e got his PhD online. And it went even further downhill from there. According to Kandi:

“I'm gonna have to check that out. Hmn. Dr. Kandi Buruss. I like the way that sounds.”

Also, Tiy-e committed an even worse sin: he wore flip flops with a sports coat. That relationship was nice while it lasted.

Scene: Phaedra gives birth
Food: (Still at the hospital, childruns.)

After her (somewhat brutal) C-section, Phaedra's is still having trouble with this whole motherhood thing. Here's the first thing she says when she sees her new baby:

“Oh, gross.”

Granted, he was covered in blood and mucus. After they cleaned him off, Phaedra gives those maternal instincts another shot:

“The first time I looked at him, he just looked Chinese to me.”

Oh wait. Maybe not. But there is an upside. Having a baby means purchasing more accessories!

“You know my baby's gonna be the flyest baby in town.”

At least there's something to look forward to! Til next week kiddos.