I Don’t Feel Sorry For You: Tourists Who See Magic Mike: The Musical And Get A Surprise Lap Dance

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The producer of upcoming Broadway play Magic Mike: The Musical recently announced that there will “most definitely” be lap dances given to audience members as a part of the performance.

You and I hear that news, and we're like, “Great! That's just what was missing from Newsies.” But the darkest parts of my heart say that a lot of people won't appreciate this, or be ready for this new take on Broadway.

It breaks my heart to say this, but for a lot of America, Broadway is not sought after purely for the theater. It’s also conveniently close to the real treasure of New York, the M&M Store in Times Square, it fits your entire tour group, and it gives you a chance to stop walking and sit already! These Keds are new, for crying out loud! I didn’t get a chance to break them in at Curves yet!

I have a feeling that a lot of groups just go to see whatever show has 30 tickets available at 2 p.m., sit there and enjoy it just fine before going on to a 5 p.m. dinner. And that’s how so many people are going to end up with stripper bodies in their laps when they thought they were going to see a cute musical about witches.

But I don’t feel sorry for them.

First of all, you should do a little research about the show you're going to see. If you blindly go into a Broadway show without knowing that it features strippers who climb on top of you, shame on you. Always do a little research about the show in advance, if for no other reason than to know whether there will be strippers all up on you. That’s Broadway 101. (Actually it’s not, but this is the dawn of a new era.)

Second of all, um, you’re welcome Lincoln, Nebraska for giving you such a great New York story! Can you imagine all of these men and women (mostly women) going home and talking about their trip to New York at Bunco night?

They'll be like, “And then Janine got a lap dance! I nearly fell out of my seat, but I couldn’t because Big Dick Richie’s lemony body was right in the way!” And their friends will be like, “We’ve got to go to New York! And also what’s a lemony body?” And they will be like “You’ve got to go to New York and then you’ll understand what I'm talking about!”

Third of all, you’re welcome Macon, Georgia for giving you an awesome lap dance! I mean, if Channing Tatum’s “Pony” dance from the movie is any indication of things to come, every woman is going to walk out of that theater with her asymmetrical wedge haircut a little more mussed than she came with. It’s the live version of Fifty Shades of Grey, folks. Need I say more.

The lap dances are coming whether you're ready or not. So in preparation, here’s a short list of people that will probably get their first and/or only lap dance on the Great White Way:

  • Great aunts who travel with other great aunts, united by their walking pace, perm shape and penchant for being chilly.
  • The shy theater nerd who chose to go to New York with his mom for spring break instead of spending it at Great Adventure with the rest of the middle school. Now he’s questioning more than his desire to go into acting.
  • The law school student there as part of her summer associate program. The partner next to her worries the whole time that she’s going to complain to HR and it’s going to get around the legal blogosphere.
  • The high school boyfriend who knew his girlfriend liked theater (or at least knew the words to “On My Own”) and got tickets to whatever was playing on their ten month anniversary (because at that age, anniversaries are so important). Now he has an oily man rubbing on his game-day Dockers.

So it's up to you, America. Are you ready to be sat on? I think you are.