10 Signs That This Is A Deadly Slow Celebrity News Week

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Lindsay Lohan bored GIF


You guys, it is mid-morning on a Wednesday and I am completely out of celebrity news. I mean sure, I could rustle something up, but I have too much respect for you, humble reader, to rehash Miley Cyrus twerking yet again. You're…welcome, I guess?

Reese Witherspoon bored GIF


And since journalistic integrity is a thing (or so I've heard), I wanted to be honest with you guys. There's nothing going on out there. It's a dead zone. If I had to guess, I'd say that every celebrity and their publicist is all holed up at Taylor Swift‘s house in Rhode Island right now, dressing up in high-waisted bathing suits and sipping virgin Tom Collinses. That's the only option, because there really hasn't been a peep out of anyone all day. Or all week, for that matter.

Mr. Bean bored GIF


And before you call me a liar and a rogue, or even a rapscallion, please allow me to offer some proof to you. I've been collecting it all slow morning for your humble perusal, so please to enjoy…10 Signs That This Is A Deadly-Slow News Week.

  1. We're still milking the VMAs. Hey, y'know, no hate or anything. Crushable's doing it too. Because nothing. else. is happening.
  2. Our highest-viewed post today is one from a week ago about Blue Ivy dancing with Beyonce at rehearsals. CURRENT. TOPICAL.
  3. BuzzFeed's top post is about Syria. You know it's desperate when they're running a story that can't be absorbed in GIF form.
  4. Joey Fatone‘s separation is getting headlines. QUICKLY, NAME HIS WIFE. You can't.
  5. I'm considering personally calling Ellen DeGeneres and ordering her back from her summer vacation. I want her to have fun, but enough is enough.
  6. I just watched a clip start-to-finish about Giuliana Rancic getting hypnosis for hoarding. And that's a girl who only releases news when she's absolutely positive there's nothing more compelling out there.
  7. Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas‘ separation is being labeled as ‘shocking' even though we've all been speculating on it for months.
  8. I've seen that YouPorn search map on approximately every site. Stop searching ‘creampie', you're ruining dessert treats for me.
  9. I am intimately aware of Lamar Odom‘s comings and goings from Kardashian HQ because that is the only thing TMZ is giving up-to-the-minute updates on today.
  10. I went down a Wikipedia rabbit hole after I felt compelled to look up Patrick Stewart‘s age when I found out he was engaged to a 35-year old. (He's 73.) And then I had to see who was older, Patrick or the aforementioned Michael Douglas. I'd tell you what the conclusion was, but I don't want to spoil the ending for you. It's a slow day for everybody, y'know?

Neil Patrick Harris bored GIF(via)

Be safe out there, friends.