There’s A New Jonas Brothers Sex Tape…I Mean Album Coming Out

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The Jonas Brothers at The Jingle Ball December 2012So turns out there's a new sex tape distraction…I mean Jonas Brothers album coming out next month, you guys. It's called ‘Pom Poms' and it's due April 9th. Wow, April 9th, huh? That's really soon! I can't believe the first we're hearing of this is at the end of March.

Pom Poms Jonas Brothers album coverI mean, it's my job to be up-to-date on the news and the celebrity goings-on, and even I hadn't heard that there was any new music in the pipeline. How suspicious. This couldn't have anything to do with the rumored Joe Jonas sex tape that's allegedly dropping on April 3rd, could it? I feel like that news (or rumor, at least) broke last week, and every member of Team Jonas stopped, dropped, and rolled. Which, in the Jonas camp, looks a lot like this:

Jonas Employee 1: Oh, oh no. Oh no no no no no. There's a Blind Gossip report that Blanda Eggenschwiler taped herself and Joe in an…intimate situation.

Jonas Employee 2: Blast! How bad is it? How intimate?

Jonas Employee 1: Well, apparently you see the piddle parts…and the milk cartons…and the lady lips —

Jonas Employee 2: Oh dagnabbit, fudge the rules, this is an emergency! You can use the real words for once, even though it's on Jonas company property.

Jonas Employee 1: S-s-s-sex. They had sex, sir. On tape, is the rumor. Ball gags, paddles, drugs…it's bad.

Jonas Employee 2: Sweet merciful Merlin. We have to counter-attack! Get the legal team sending emails to anyone who runs the story, and we're gonna put out the album. We have to deflect some of this bad press.

Jonas Employee 1: The album, sir? What album? All we have are some first takes on a couple early drafts of songs! Are you really suggesting that we —

Jonas Employee 2: Don't toy with me, boy! Get those pesky JoBros to the studio and tell them they can't leave until we have an album, by hook or by crook! We'll release the announcement as soon as we find a picture for the album cover, and they can cut tracks until 2pm on April 7th.

Jonas Employee 1: But sir, the album cover — the album name! We have nothing! What should they be?

Jonas Employee 2: Just…do we have any pictures of of a random guy blowing a whistle? Just pull a hat halfway down his face covering his eyes and throw that on the cover, and call it ‘Pom Poms', for all I care.

Jonas Employee 1: But sir, that's a terrible —


And that's how you get an album out in a little over two weeks, just a few days after this alleged sex tape is supposed to premiere. It's a race to the finish…which may or may not be a line from the tape.

(Image: FayesVision /