8 Reasons I’m Still Not Convinced The Jonas Baby Is Real

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Lauren Conrad rolling her eyes GIF(via)

As Danielle and Kevin Jonas‘ first week as parents come to a close, I thought we should take a step back and look back at how far we've come. After all, this time two weeks ago, we weren't even sure the couple was going to be able to come up with a kid! There were so many rumors and pieces of evidence and blind items out there that suggested Danielle wasn't really pregnant and that they might not be able to adopt in time that I didn't know what was going to happen.

But as we all know, cute little Alena Rose dutifully appeared on February 2nd, 2014, so all this should be out the window, right? We're all agreed that she did her nine months in Danielle's belly and got squeezed out the other side and Kevin's the one who put her there, right? Right? WRONG.

Call me crazy (some of you already have, and more of you will) but I'm actually more convinced than ever that this baby isn't real. I mean don't misunderstand me — I believe that the adorable creature appearing in all the Dreft-sponsored Instagrams is a flesh and blood baby, I'm just still skeptical that she's in any way related to Kevin and Danielle. And here's why.

Danielle jonas and her new baby Alena Rose Jonas sponsored by Dreft February 20141. Danielle got through labor sweat-free. That's the first photo we saw of ‘mother and daughter' together, and the only sign that anything at all unusual happened to Dani's face that day is a smear of eyeliner. Other than that her makeup is in place, and there's absolutely no way the hair at her temples was ever sweated in.

2. And she's wearing earrings. Several commenters, chiefly Myndee, pointed out that some hospital rooms don't allow jewelry other than wedding rings, and some women have said they left the jewelry off altogether in case they needed to get an emergency C-section. (Most Operating Rooms don't allow jewelry at all.)

3. Danielle's chart was missing some information. According to reader Dexychick, the monitor should show the baby's Gestational Age (GA) and Estimated Due Date (EDD). Danielle's shows neither. It also shows a birthdate different than the one listed for Danielle on Google, although people have speculated that for once, Google might be wrong.

4. Alena has really long fingernails. In a photo that Danielle's father Bucky posted with the baby holding one of his fingers, she has one especially long fingernail that had multiple commenters going ‘yeah right'. While fingernails do grow in utero, they're usually ‘razor thin' as J_Doe5686 points out.

5. The baby's skin is perfect. Every baby is different, but few are born spotless, according to commenter Ria who had one child born ‘flawless', and then two who looked…well…a little more like they'd just been born when they were born:

“My 2nd had that millia thing with all the white pimples on his face so he didn't look so good, my 3rd had a cone on his head from labor starting prior to the c-section, so there's no cut and dry thing with c-section babies.”

6. Where is that blanket from? I've never given birth so I don't know, but apparently the blankets they give you are pretty standard across the board. So what gives with the random one, #babyjonas? Commenter mc wants to know:

“…every hospital in the US uses the SAME white blanket with blue and pink stripes on the ends. Every newborn picture I've ever seen from a hospital birth, the baby is in that same blanket. Except Baby Jonas.”

7. How old is that baby? The above photo was taken on February 5th, when Alena was supposedly three days old. Interesting that they haven't released the birth weight, huh? Maybe because in order for this all to make sense, she would've had to be like ten pounds.

8. The blind items. According to Blind Gossip, Alena's parents are Filipino and Mexican, a concession that the Jonas family had to make since things got so down to the wire. I don't know if that's true, but if it is, I'm betting we can expect a lot of trips to the tanning salon for Danielle, and repeated statements playing up the Italian angle. Even though Kevin is as pure and white as the driven snow.