I Don’t Feel Sorry For You: Jon Hamm’s Penis

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I don’t feel sorry for you, Jon Hamm’s penis, that a picture of your silhouette is all over the internet. Jon Hamm skipped his long johns, and now Hamm’s ham is out of the bag. But I don’t feel sorry for you because Mr. Draper should have known better!

Here’s the thing about going comm-Hamm-do. Underwear is there for a reason. You know this. It’s your home. So when someone chooses to forgo it, it has to be for a very specific reason.

For instance, as a lady, you might go sans culottes if you are wearing a dress that’s so tight that even a Hanky Panky would show. That’s fine. But then you just can never sit down that whole night. And even then, maybe you should think about why you have to wear such a tight dress. By showing off every curve of your body, what are you hiding, you know what I mean? Like, what internal injury is that bandage dress being the bandage for, you know?

Or, as a lady, you might go anti-panty if you have had a few glasses of wine and you want to impress your boyfriend with how sexy you can be. And again, you’d then have to dig deep inside of yourself and ask, “Why do I feel the need to spice things up in this relationship? Is this really the right relationship for me, or should I be with someone with whom I can wear a full brief and be happy? I’m in an Outback Steakhouse, for God’s sake. I should not be sitting in this booth without underwear on.”

But, as a man, the only reason to not wear underwear is if you are in the shower. From a woman’s perspective, there’s nothing sexy about a guy not wearing underwear. We do not fantasize about it swinging around freely like a lone chandelier earring. We'd rather it be packed up neatly until we want to do something about it. Like an air mattress. So certainly don’t skip the skivvies for our sake.

Now, I know we are used to celebrities showing off their privacy areas. We’ve seen everything from Janet Jackson’s nip slip to Jason Segal’s full plate of spaghetti to Rihanna’s under-boob. And I’m pretty sure young actresses think that showing their crotch is how you open a car door. Like the car door won’t open unless they flash it.

But what Jon did to you, Little Jon, was worse than any of those. Because it was a private moment requiring grainy, zoomed-in pictures to confirm that yes, in fact that is you pressed up against a pair of unassuming chinos like a first-grader’s face pressed up against a school bus window. The picture of you is like one of those crayon leaf rubbings that you do in elementary school. At first you don’t see anything, but then this very identifiable shape presents itself and you have no doubt that you’re looking at a wiener maple leaf. So this doesn’t fall into the category of another fabulous celebrity being fabulous and showing a little too much in the process.

Even though I don’t feel sorry for you, I know you must be embarrassed. You weren't expecting to have your portrait taken, that probably wasn’t even your good side, and you could have done a little more beefing up before your big debut if you had a little warning. So how can we avoid this happening again? Well, I’ve come up with some quick mnemonic devices to help Jon remember to keep you under wraps.

  • “Undies are genius, they cover your penis.”
  • “Say no to underwear, we’ll see what’s going on down there.”
  • “How about a brief to cover your beef?”
  • “If you don’t wear the boxer, you’ll show your c*ck, sir.”

Could I go on? Yes. But I won’t, Mr. Dong.

(Photo: Pacific Coast News)