Jerry Orbach: My Weird Celebrity Crush

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I have a thing for older men. Clint Eastwood is smoldering. Harrison Ford is a dreamboat. Steve Martin could laugh my panties off any day.

Yet, of all these men, I’ve had a sex dream about someone seen more as a father figure than sex symbol: Jerry Orbach. Yes. Lennie Briscoe. Lumiere. Dr. Houseman (sorry Baby!)

This dream happened several years ago and unique, to me, in that I have insane dreams, but not about sex. And for a sex dream, it was a far cry from sexy. More like bittersweet.

In the dream, we’re sitting on a couch in a movie trailer and talking about life and regrets. He’s sad about being an old man and never getting to see a naked young body up close again. He’d give anything to be with a young woman one more time. And by the way, can that young woman be me?

I hesitate, then consider that it’s a one-time thing for a friend and agree. Next thing I know, we’re lying on the floor naked. I see this as though I’m floating above it all, out-of-body experience-like. Soon it’s over and I wake up.

See what I said about entirely un-sexy? And what does it all mean? Aren’t sex dreams supposed to be exciting? My only guess is, at the time, I felt the need to comfort someone and it manifested itself in doing Det. Briscoe on the floor of a trailer. Maybe I’d watched a re-run of Law & Order that night?

Or maybe it’s because my perception of Jerry is that of a warm, good-humored, aw-shucks type of man. And why wouldn’t one have that opinion? He broke the tension with one-liners at a crime scene. He could corral flatware into making a five-course meal in three minutes! Best of all, he eventually saw Robbie for the creep he was, apologized to Johnny and told Baby she “looked wonderful out there.”

What a good man. Who wouldn’t want to help that guy?

So the dream was a one-time deal. Nothing similar has happened since.

The closest has been a dream where I put on notice to sleep with Jon Bon Jovi before getting married. Guess he has the pick of brides before they wed across the Hudson? (On a side note, brain, if I have to give it up to a musician from Jersey, could it be The Boss? Let’s work on that next time.)

How about you? Have any dreams starring unlikely heroes? Inappropriate old-man crushes?