Insert Fang-Related Pun Here: I Want Vampire Veneers

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Insert Fang Related Pun Here  I Want Vampire Veneers vampire20fangs jpgRight after getting a ton of freckles tattooed permanently on my face, I’d say my second greatest cosmetic dream would be to have fangs. Not like super-big Evan Rachel Wood on True Blood teeth, or like those kids who filed down their chompers because Marilyn Manson told them to, but something subtle enough to convey the message, “I am probably a vampire, or a crazy person.”

And really, is it that insane to want pointy teeth? People my age get Botoxed, permanent make-up, tattoos…if I’m going to invest in the anti-aging process, I want a look that really says “I’m immortal.” And I don’t want to have to keep reapplying fake vampy teeth with glue, because what’s the point then? If I’m making out with my boyfriend and he accidentally swallowed one of my porcelain teeth, do you have any idea how mortifying that would be? So mortifying.

So with that in mind, plus this one article I found on the Internet about dentists cashing in on the Twilight phenomenon, I went to my dentist this morning for my bi-monthly teeth cleaning. I thought I’d have to find a non-awkward way to bring it up, but luckily my guy brought it up before I could, sort of. “Have you ever considered veneers?” he asked as nicely as possible, “because, you know, your teeth are pretty stained.” (Sorry dude, just quit.) If he hadn’t hit a nerve with all the drilling, my new dentist just put a stake in my heart: I was really self-conscious about my yellow teeth. But veneers – those fake teeth you put on top of your real teeth so no one can tell you used to be bulimic – are super expensive, and if I was going to be plopping down the dough for this costly procedure, I wanted them done my way.

“Actually I have been thinking about veneers,” I began, as the little dollar signs floated into his eyes, “But is there anyway you can make my canines more…pointy?” To his credit, my dentist didn’t laugh in my face. He still had his summer house to pay for after all. “Well…” he started slowly, “That really depends. We can’t change the shape of your tooth without filing it down, so if you wanted pointed veneers, we’d actually have to make them longer and bigger than your actual teeth. That ups the chance of them chipping or breaking, which is something to keep in mind. But yes, we can give you, uh, sharper teeth.” He then quoted some prices at me, which, unlike the permanent freckling, were entirely out of my pay-range (think hundreds-per-tooth).

Telling him I’d think about it, I got ready to get out of the chair and be given my consolation toothbrush. That’s when my dentist’s conscious finally got the better of him, I guess: “You’re not doing this because of Twilight?” he asked, almost pleadingly, “Because you know those movies are going to be over soon and if you’re serious about this, you’ll be stuck with those teeth for a very long time.”

Don’t worry, doc. I’m not a huge Twilight fan anyway. Real vampires are way more kick-ass.