Fan Fiction: Conan’s First Guest Is Me

By  | 

Before the show gets going, let me just say that it is such an honor to be Conan’s first guest. I hear the other contenders for the gig were Brad Pitt, President Obama and the ghost of J.D. Salinger — so I guess you could say I’m in decent company. Heh!

I’m hanging out in the green room (which is orange) right now. Conan’s in the makeup trailer getting his face powdered. His artist confided in me that she uses extract of polar bear fur on Conan’s face because it’s the best match for his skintone. She’s even begun to marked the powder as something called “CoCo” which is one of the 45 Eskimo words for snow and also a very confusing label for something that looks like the opposite of chocolate.

Since we’re on the topic, I imagine most of you haven’t seen Conan’s pompadour in real life so you don’t know that it’s actually seven inches tall. Also, it's edible. Did you know that CoCo’s hair was designed by Frank Gehry? Yep. Learning facts like that is just one of the perks of being Conan’s very first guest.

“Liana, it’s so great to have you here. Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule.”

“It’s great to be here, Conan, and as it turns out, my schedule isn’t busy at all!”

“Cool. Hey, since you haven’t actually done anything notable, why don’t you just talk about yourself for a while?”

“Oh, Conan, I’d really prefer to talk about you.”

“You're so gracious, Liana — that's why we picked you over Salinger. Well, that and the fact that he called me a phony over a ouija board. Hey, that reminds me. We have this great clip of you blogging on your couch. Can you set it up for us?”

“I believe this was right after I took a nap. I’d eaten a bowl of oatmeal and read some magazines that morning, and I got sleepy. But then I woke up again. And that’s where we come in!”

“Fantastic. Before we hit play on that, I want to give you a gift for being Conan’s first-ever guest.”

“Cool. Can I have Andy’s job?”


“Um, how about a tube of that polar bear powder. And maybe you could toss a retweet my way?”

“Absolutely. Thanks for coming on the show, and we’ll see you back here tomorrow when you’re our second-ever guest.”