Congratulations To Danielle And Kevin Jonas On Their New Baby™, Exploited At Birth

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Danielle jonas and her new baby Alena Rose Jonas sponsored by Dreft February 2014Congratulations to Danielle and Kevin Jonas, who yesterday welcomed into the world their brand new baby! Oh no, actually, I'm getting word that it wasn't a baby at all; it was a brand new sponsorship. My mistake. Yesterday at 9:04am EST, Kevin tweeted out a message to all of his followers that #babyjonas (hashtag included, obviously) was on her way. And then at 11:42am, he updated everyone that labor had started, and the game was officially afoot.

And then of course he moved the situation over to Instagram, posting a photo of Danielle's supposed medical chart, just so that you'd have to be following him on multiple platforms to keep up.

And naturally Danielle didn't want to miss out either, as I'm assuming she had very little to do during the entire delivery process (if you haven't read the latest on my conspiracy theory that she didn't carry this child, you can check it out here) and could twiddle around on social media as much as she liked. Including posting this photo of Kevin sleeping during the birth of his first child. You can't stay awake for the six hours and ten minutes that your wife was supposedly pushing? Yeah right bro.

Especially considering according to this photo posted by Danielle's mom, Angela Deleasa, the entire group was hanging out in the lobby at the same time. Aka no one was back there with Danielle. How odd.

But anyway, that's the most in-depth photos and information that the ‘expectant parents' were able to share, because for the main event, we were directed over to the Twitter for Dreft…which is a laundry detergent.

They have an app called Amazing Baby Days, and apparently Kevin and Danielle sold them the rights to the birth. Like they signed away the right to be able to introduce their own kid to the world. Which doesn't sound like a real thing but totally must be because THEY WERE LIVE-TWEETING IT MOMENT TO MOMENT. Not the parents — Dreft.

If ‘star' is what you call it when you're exploited before you're even an hour old, then YES! Baby Jonas is a huge star!

…what does that even mean?

Are you? Why?

How? Are you there?? And finally, the money shot.

I'm not even gonna get started on the fact that Danielle wore her biggest, brightest diamond earrings to the biggest workout of her life, and that there's no way that face belongs to a vagina that pushed a human being out of it today. Nor was that hair at her temples sweated into for even a moment, and my GOD that baby has long fingernails, wide-open eyes, and un-mottled skin considering it was born mere moments ago, on SUPER BOWL SUNDAY.

A day when no one is really watching the media. It's almost like she was born last week and kept under wraps until the family found the perfect moment to announce her birth under the radar and simultaneously make a quick buck off of it. WHAT A MIRACLE. But putting that aside — okay sure. Why not? Why wouldn't you farm out the ‘birth' of your ‘child' to a laundry detergent company? What a totally normal thing to do. Whenever I'm about to have something monumental happen, I make sure to let someone else in the Twitter-verse tell everyone all about it. After all, it's not a special occasion if you don't involve a stranger!

So congratulations to the Jonases on their new baby world record for fastest exploitation of a human being. Ya gotta start 'em early.