Crushable Ranks 2014’s Babies From Least To Most Intimidating

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Crushable Ranks 2014 s Babies From Least To Most Intimidating Waynes World eye contact GIF gif(via)

It’s still pretty early on in the new year, and I’m feeling pretty generous, so I want to share a secret with you — I’m intimidated by celebrity babies. Some of them make me more anxious than others, but in general, if you’re the child of a famous person, you’re gonna be supes attractive and adored and never want for a single thing in the world, and as a snarky twenty-something blogger who spends all day behind a computer screen, I would trade places with that in a second.

But I can’t do that, because I don’t have magical powers, so I’m gonna settle for the next best thing…which in this case is ranking fifteen of the babies born last year. And not in order of cuteness, so untwist your pantaloons; we’re doing this ish in order of intimidation factor. And since I’m really opening myself and my insecurities up to you here, just try to bear in mind that ranking babies is cool and fine and great, and everybody does it all the time, SO JUST CHILL ALRIGHT.

Now without further ado, here they are, folks! The cream of 2014’s bumper baby crop!

1. Kevin and Danielle Jonas’ daughter Alena Rose

I mean, do you really want to get me started on this? This baby and I had beef before she was even born (I heard what I just said, and I am not barely ashamed), and just because I barely talk about it now doesn’t mean I believe any less strongly that Danielle may have faked her pregnancy. Intimidation factor zero.

2. Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green’s son Bodhi Ransom

The birth of their first son, Noah, was overshadowed by Reese Witherspoon‘s son Tennessee James, and they’ve named their second after two nonsense words? Not trying to show off or anything, but I could definitely beat that baby at arm wrestling.

3. Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christiansen’s daughter Briar Rose

Crushable Ranks 2014 s Babies From Least To Most Intimidating Hayden Christensen and Rachel Bilson attending the Met Gala May 2010 jpg(Photo:

Sorry not sorry to everyone who loves Disney princesses, but this is Hollywood, you gotta step up that name game.

4. Drew Barrymore and Will Kopelman’s daughter Frankie

I mean, I love the name Frankie and all, and it pairs beautifully with Olive, which is the name of your older sister…but your mom wrote a book about heart shapes in nature, so how intimidated am I really supposed to be, here?

5. Scarlett Johansson and Romain Dauriac’s daughter Rose Dorothy

Crushable Ranks 2014 s Babies From Least To Most Intimidating Scarlett Johansson Romaine Dauriac 70th Venice Film Festicval Under the Skin September 3 2013 Venezia Italy jpg(Photo:

Theoretically, any baby that emerges from Scarlett Johansson should be a lot further down on this list, but she diluted its powers by A. giving her daughter a regular person name and B. mating with a normal instead of a fellow A-Lister. So even though we respect those choices, we gotta call it like it is.

6. Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis’ daughter Wyatt Isabelle

Crushable Ranks 2014 s Babies From Least To Most Intimidating Ashton Kutcher Mila Kunis holding hands jpg

(Photo: TNYF/

A girl with a borderline masculine name? Mom’s Mila Kunis? Born out of wedlock? Potential for bilinguality? The ingredients are all there for a v. cool and impressive Hollywood baby, but then I see Ashton Kutcher’s name in there and I get real nervous. So Wyatt’s hovering near the lower-middle of this list until I get a little more information.

7. Jimmy Fallon and Nancy Juvonen’s daughter Frances Cole

I couldn’t have more respect for Jimmy and his wife Nancy’s choice to have children via surrogate and be refreshingly open about it, but when are you gonna stop hiding behind their decisions and make some of your own, Frances?? Cripes. Have some independence.

8. Hayden Panettiere and Wladimir Klitschko’s daughter Kaya Evdokia

Crushable Ranks 2014 s Babies From Least To Most Intimidating Hayden Panettiere and Wladimir Klitschko attending German event Ein Herz fuer Kinder December 2013 640x440 jpg(Photo: Patrick Hoffmann /

Her mom’s 5’0″ and her dad’s literally a 6’6″ professional heavyweight boxer, so this could really go a variety of ways for ol’ Kaya. Stay tuned for the next sixteen years or so until her height levels out and we know what we’re working with.

9. Chris Hemsworth and Elsa Pataky’s sons Tristan and Sasha

Crushable Ranks 2014 s Babies From Least To Most Intimidating Chris Hemsworth kissing his wife Elsa Pataky at Rush premiere September 2013 jpg(Photo: Daniel Deme /

Chris may not be the most famous dude on the planet, but he’s arguably the sexiest, so the fact that just released two twin boys in his own image into the world is enough to give me social paralysis and night sweats. I wonder when their golden auras will start appearing and OH MY GOD WILL THEY HAVE AUSTRALIAN ACCENTS???

10. Simon Cowell and Lauren Silverman’s son Eric

He’s already proven he’s stronger than the bonds of marriage, so…watch your back.

11. Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale’s son Apollo Bowie Flynn

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Gwen gave birth to Apollo at age forty-four without even trying to get pregnant and his middle name is a type of knife, so my research indicates the following findings — FERTILITY GAME STRONG: OFFSPRING TO BE FEARED.

12. Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes’s daughter Esmeralda Amada

Crushable Ranks 2014 s Babies From Least To Most Intimidating Eva Mendes Ryan Gosling 2012 Toronto Film Festival Toronto Canada September 7 2012 jpg

(Photo: Dominic Chan /

NBD, just two of the most famous and beautiful people on the face of the Earth who managed to procreate together and keep it secret for seven full months. Nothing to see here, nothing to worry about. Surely the reason we haven’t seen a picture of this baby yet is for a normal reason having nothing to do with the fact that her gorgeousness breaks cameras, right? I mean right?!?

13. Kerry Washington and Nnamdi Asomugha’s daughter Isabelle Amachi

Crushable Ranks 2014 s Babies From Least To Most Intimidating Kerry Washington attending Women In Film 2014 Crystal Lucy awards June 2014 640x451 jpg(Photo: Apega /

Need some proof that this baby doesn’t give an eff about any of us? Even though we all saw Kerry walking around pregnant and then she wasn’t anymore, she still has never officially confirmed that Isabelle’s birth actually took place. We don’t even have a photo of Kerry and her husband Nnamdi together, because these two (and now three!) are NO JOKE about privacy. That is boss AF and I hope this baby and I never meet in a dark alleyway, because she’s essentially a ninja and I probably wouldn’t escape with my life.

14. Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudeikis’ son Otis

Crushable Ranks 2014 s Babies From Least To Most Intimidating Olivia Wilde breastfeeding her infant son Otis for Glamours September 2014 issue jpg (Photo: Patrick Demarchelier for Glamour)

These two openly brag about having sex like ‘Kenyan marathon runners’, and apparently the fruits of their loins has inherited some of that brazenness, because he will suck on a boob on the cover of a magazine. Or at least a spread on this inside, but regardless, cooler than you and he knows it.

15. John Krasinski and Emily Blunt’s daughter Hazel

Smart, funny, attractive, self-aware parents, and an adorable name? The only way I’d ever feel comfortable even making eye contact with this baby is if her parents would adopt me into their family as well and re-raise me as their own. So what do you say, guys? Do we have a deal?? I’m already potty-trained, in case that sweetens the pot at all. Pun very much intended. Unless you don’t like puns, in which case that was an accident and we should all look past it and what is your fax number so I can get you these documents to sign.