Lifestyle

Boyfriend of the Week: Khal Drogo From ‘Game of Thrones’

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Okay, so maybe Drogo didn’t make the best first impression. Initially I recognized him from Baywatch and the seminal televisual film Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding, and frankly, I am not a beach person. Also, I did not really love the double ponytail holders in the beard. In the hair, I could live with it. That is some serious length to contend with, and a warrior-king needs to keep his locks in check so he can focus on the fight. Even the girls back in 8th grade knew this when they met up to beat each other’s asses at the park: you gotta get that hair out of the face. But the fact is, the beard was never flying anywhere. I think one ponytail holder would have sufficed.

Moreover, while I really don’t mind makeup on a guy— like some concealer and eyeliner is not a problem— Drogo’s charcoal shadow right up the brow bone did set off my “high maintenance” alarm. I thought about how long I’d have to wait for him in the mornings. We’d have our team of horses packed and ready, eager to race the sun, and where’s Drogo? Oh, he’s just off shading and blending.

The second and third impressions didn’t do much to improve my opinion, and that’s because he seemed to be only into very rapey, doggy-style sex. I don’t mean that this was his central turn-on in the way that Ice-T and his beautiful wife Coco describe in their latest E! special when they speak about how every individual has a certain sexual something that drives him or her crazy. It was more like Drogo didn’t know how NOT to conduct himself in a rapey doggy-style manner, and that limitation was a huge turn-off.

But it only took his angelic wife Daenerys refusing to be flipped around one night for Drogo to become a whole new man. (I think he’s a man. He’s really got the upper body of a centaur, but I’ve seen him fully naked and there are no fetlocks.) Suddenly his perpetually arched eyebrows looked a little less pissed, a little more mischievous. Such is the power of “cowgirl,” and it wasn’t even in reverse.

Then he went up another rung for me after he found out that Daenerys was going to have a baby and he was totally supportive and excited about parenthood. Maybe that doesn’t sound like much of an endorsement to you, but I’ve been watching every single episode of 16 And Pregnant this season, and let me tell you, those guys are real bumps on a log when it comes to baby stuff. They’re like, “Yeah, I guess when my kid comes, I’ll figure out about getting him some diapers or whatever,” their voices trailing off into monotonal oblivion. Meanwhile, Drogo was excitedly shouting out to all his friends, “That is my son inside her, the stallion who will mount the world, filling her with his fire!” I thought to myself, this is a fellow who is authentically pumped about fatherhood. I don’t know that I’d say he’s a big ol’ teddy bear underneath those intense shoulder tattoos and the tongue-ripping rage, but I do think he’s going to be the kind of dad who laughs when the kid shits on his leg. I do!

And what do you know? Now the big lug makes me laugh every time he comes on the screen! I even started thinking about him the other day while driving home from the dog park (I’m guessing all the bone-a fide doggy-style I’d witnessed there put Drogo on my mind), and I began laughing out of nowhere. “FA-FA QUEM EUM DEEP UGH UGH FEM FACH,” I said from the back of my throat, trying to do an impression of this week’s TV boyfriend.

“No, it’s more like, ‘VELO SCHOCK AUSH QUEM EUM MANONUFF ZJUCK’,” Brent corrected. “Listen, if you want me to start calling you ‘moon of my life,” then you’re going to have to refer to me as ‘your sun and stars.’” These are the terms of affection that Drogo and Daenerys frequently exchange, and while kiiiiiiind of cute in the context of the warrior tribe, they strike me as somewhat cheesy if you’re just out and about, picking up toilet paper at CVS.

“No, it’s cool,” I said.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I’m good.” And that was the truth, because it’s more than enough that Brent laughs every single time our little French bulldog Christmas shits on his arms and his shirts.

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