Why I’m So Totally Over Lindsay Lohan: A Short Essay

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Why I m So Totally Over Lindsay Lohan  A Short Essay Lindsay Lohan2 jpgI’m gonna warn you right now that this article isn’t gonna be flattering towards Lindsay Lohan. If you don’t want to read that, you don’t want to read this, so stop it. No seriously, stop reading.

…okay, you didn’t, so we’re going through with this, and don’t say I didn’t warn you. Heeeeere I go! I’m just over it with Lindsay. I’m over her being given chances and still being reckless and ruining things for herself and other people. You’re probably wondering which specific incident I’m writing about now; whether it was her recent totaling of her rented car, or her attempt to flee the scene, or the fact that her people then tried to bribe the driver of the other car into not pressing charges. Or before that, any of her DUIs, drug possession busts, or reports of bad behavior on-set. Well it’s none of those. Although isn’t it marvelous that it could be any of them. Instead, it’s the newest one! The fact that Lindsay had to have paramedics called on her during the filming of Liz and Dick after she was found unresponsive in her room.

Different news sources have been back and forth about what actually happened — whether or not she was actually unresponsive or just sleeping, whether she went to the hospital or was treated in her room, etc. — but let’s turn to Lindsay herself and her Twitter for the real story.Why I m So Totally Over Lindsay Lohan  A Short Essay Lindsay 1 pngWhy I m So Totally Over Lindsay Lohan  A Short Essay Lindsay 2 pngNow granted, I wasn’t there, but I feel like a situation that calls for seven paramedics isn’t a situation that’s caused by a gentle slumber. That’s a situation caused when you can’t wake up someone famous. They’re passed out, unresponsive, and that’s when you call seven paramedics. Not while they’re taking a catnap because they’re tired from shooting. Not because they’re ‘dehydrated’ or ‘exhausted’, because you know what? I’ve been those things, and do you know how I treated them? I drank some water and I went to sleep. Notice, that’s ‘drank some water’, not ‘filled my nose with cocaine’, and ‘went to sleep’, not ‘attended a drug-fueled orgy at a club’.

Bottom line, Lindsay, YOU HAVE ONE JOB. One. I get that it’s hard, that you have to be on your feet for hours at a time and wait around until the crew is ready for you, but you’ve been fucking unemployed for like three years, so pull yourself the fuck together for the four days a year when you actually have a job to do. Do you have any idea how few people in the world only have one job? I myself have two jobs, one of which entails working Sunday brunch in a busy restaurant, and let me tell you, it only took one Saturday late night and one terrible hungover Sunday morning serving mimosas to rich people for me to learn my lesson. And now I don’t do that anymore. Because I’m not an idiot, and also because I don’t want to lose my job. And you have a much better and more lucrative job than I do, Lindsay. Which makes me wish and hope that you’re smarter than me, so at least I know you deserve it. But you don’t seem to be, because you keep abusing your body in the same ways even as you’re unwilling to be responsible for the consequences.

And what’s sad is that this is all old ground that I’m covering, but I’m angry. It’s just such an incredible waste of time and talent and youth, and I’m tired of it. I don’t feel sorry for you, Lindsay, because you lie and you weasel out of things, and you’re shitty. There, I said it. You’re a shitty human. I don’t know you, but I consider myself to be a pretty observant person, and I have observed that you are shitty.

So there. There’s my short essay about why I’m super effing over Lindsay Lohan. I appreciate all the fodder you give me and other bloggers like me, but there comes a point when people just need to pull it together, and, Lindsay, for you that time is now. Or like…five years ago.

So get on it.

(Image: kiss925.com)