Who Does Hollywood Think They’re Kidding with the ‘New Year’s Eve’ Trailer?

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Who out there bet that Pink‘s “Raise Your Glass” would be this movie's theme song? Go collect your winnings — you deserve them. Although this is being billed as the sequel to 2010's Valentine's Day, only a few of the actors reprise their roles: Ashton Kutcher, Hector Elizondo, Jessica Biel. Otherwise, it's fresh meat ready to humiliate themselves in the effort to recreate the wonder of Love Actually. And this movie is the closest in date to that, as it's set on the tense, hopeful night of December 31. But we think the studio is way overemphasizing the significance of New Year's Eve.

Soulmates! Babies! First kisses! Marriage! Musical performances in Times Square! THE REST OF YOUR LIFE HINGES ON THIS NIGHT. Just listen to the characters in the trailer.

“How do you explain the entire world coming together on one night to celebrate the hope of a new year?” – If by “hope” you mean “free-flowing liquor,” then yes, it's a pretty impressive meet-up.

“This is the biggest night of my career, and if I screw it up…” – …What? People will be so drunk they won't notice a newscaster, or whoever Hilary Swank is supposed to be, flub a few lines. Besides, what is there to say aside from “Happy New Year” and to sing a few bars of “Auld Lang Syne”?

“Who are you gonna kiss at midnight?” – Ah, the most important question in a young single person's life. Look, it's definitely a romantic moment, but it's not the end of the world. I've kissed my boyfriend one New Year's Eve out of the four years we've been together, because we were always across the country from each other. The New Year's kiss should be like in When Harry Met Sally, where they're friends but it's not the most definitive moment of that year.

(Also, when did Abigail Breslin get so old??)

“Nothing beats New York on New Year's Eve.” – Actually, that's the complete opposite of the truth. Wedged into the crush of drunk, rowdy people, freezing your ass off from 3 p.m. onward to stare a glittery ball? We'd rather be curled up on the couch in our underwear clinking champagne glasses with our girlfriends — or, okay, a significant other — than suffer in the snow.