Welcome To Myrtle Manor: How Does Anyone On This Show Pay For Anything?

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Myrtle Manor Wiener Girls

I’ve been known to complain about unrealistic television lifestyles. I find it incredibly annoying that Carrie Bradshaw is able to live in a stylish Manhattan apartment and hoard expensive shoes by writing a weekly sex column. I let it slide more with the characters on Friends because I adore them so much, even though their living situations are pretty ridiculous as well. But never have I thought that I would one day wonder how the cast of a reality show affords to live in a trailer park. But I couldn’t-help-but-wondered (Where are my Manolos?) just that last night while watching Welcome to Myrtle Manor on TLC.

Most of this episode focused on Myrtle Manor’s two main businesses and their struggles to stay afloat. First Gina and Roy’s hair salon Tangulls is condemned for being unsanitary. Look at the name of that salon. How do you pronounce it? If you’re imagining sun-baked seagulls, you’re pronouncing it wrong. It’s pronounced like Tangles. It’s clever, but business might be better if they hired someone to stand outside and explain the name to patrons.

This incident stresses everyone out, mostly because they all need to have their hair done right this second. But landlady Becky is stressed because her father blames her for the salon getting condemned, and they have the following exchange, which should be printed on the inside of a bubble gum wrapper immediately:

Becky: I’m not a cutter hair person!

Dad: What’s a cutter hair person?

Becky: Gina and Roy!

But those cutter hair persons aren’t going to let a little thing like being condemned stop them from doing their thing, so they become “the only underground double-wide hair salon in South Carolina.” Something tells me that’s not true.

Once we’ve watched “Gina After Dentist” play out before our eyes, as a groggy Gina gets the salon in order while recovering from oral surgery, the inspector returns to see if they’ve made the necessary changes to reopen the business. After a suspenseful commercial break and some confusion about whether plastic-surgerized Roy is the same person in the picture on his license, the inspector announces that they’re all better. I expected Jared to throw a flaming television set through the trailer window at that very moment and ruin everything, but it didn’t happen. But I don’t think anyone would be surprised if it did.

The other entrepreneurs of the episode were Chelsey and Lindsey, aka the Darlin’ Dogs Wiener Girls. When I first heard that they sold hot dogs to beachgoers, I started dreaming about living in a charming little trailer with my bestie, staying up late coming up with creative hot dog recipes, and wheeling an adorable pushcart around the beach shouting, “Hot dawg, these are good wieners!” That last part isn’t set in stone. But in reality, Chelsey and Lindsey don’t seem to even know much about making hot dogs, let alone selling them. They’re uncertain about how long to cook the wieners, the buns are too small, and they set the toaster oven on fire. Looks like somebody needs to buy Sonja Morgan’s imaginary toaster oven cookbook. Am I right or am I right? It turns out they also have a cart that’s decorated adorably, but they have no car to get it to the beach. They make a whopping six dollars during their day of work, which prompts them to consider getting a roommate to cut costs. Something tells me a roommate isn’t going to allow them to live on six dollars a month. Just a hunch.

I just have to ask how these girls were paying for their rent and alcohol and hippie headbands and hot dogs, for that matter, without actually selling hot dogs. And while we’re at it, how does Bandit get by writing jingles that he can’t even recite himself? And since nobody seems to have any income to pay rent, how does Becky survive? Is money growing on the possibly fake palm trees in this trailer park?

If you’re going to argue that they’re living on the money from the show, that doesn’t explain how they were getting by before cameras peeked into their bizarre world. And if you counter that by saying it’s all fake anyway, then I’ll fire back at you with the Carrie Bradshaw/Friends comparison. So stop arguing and find someone who can explain this to me!

In other, non-entrepreneurial news, the urination investigation began this week, and I can't wait to see how it pans out in the coming episodes. Did Taylor pee on Jessica's bed or was it his dog, Gus? Don't worry; Marvin's got it covered.

In closing, I’d like to inform everyone that just recently the Myrtle Manor sign was stolen, which leads me to ask: Marvin, why weren't you doing your job?!

(Image: TLC)