Watch The First Teaser Trailer For Les Miserables, Learn Absolutely Nothing About The Plot

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The first teaser trailer for the epic costume drama Les Miserables has been released, and gosh oh golly, it sure tells you a lot about the storyline. No wait, no it doesn't.

It's a minute and a half of Anne Hathaway singing in the background while a very craggy Hugh Jackman exchanges deep, portentous looks with the sky, Russell Crowe trots about on a horse looking imperial in a very silly hat, and Amanda Seyfried looks refreshed and happy because I'm assuming she plays a character who has actual money and doesn't have to eat stones like everyone else.

Yes, it's true, I'm the only person in the history of persons not to know the plot of Les Miserables, but I was really hoping this trailer was going to help me out so I could sound educated at the many exclusive cocktail parties I go to. And by ‘exclusive cocktail parties' I mean my living room. Alone. Sometimes with cocktails.

Anyway. This trailer helped me not at all, but I'm not gonna sink to the depths of looking up the plot on Wikipedia or (gasp!) actually reading the book. Instead I'm just going to glean information from the many trailers that come out between now and December 14th, when the movie opens. Sound like a plan? Great.

In case you know what these names mean, Les Miserables stars Hugh Jackman as Jean Valjean, Amanda Seyfried as Cosette, Russell Crowe as Inspector Javert, and Anne Hathaway as Fantine.

So far I've learned that Anne Hathaway has to shave her head and sell her hair to pay for…hopefully a sandwich. Because bitch be hella skinny in this trailer. But wait what's the old-timey version of a sandwich? A stew. She has to sell her hair to pay for a stew. Don't worry guys, I got this.

(Image: empireonline.com)